7 years

I can't believe it has been 7 years since you came into my life.  I have realized some things this year as more healing has come about in my heart.  I gave birth to Banyon this past year and it has helped heal my heart, but along with that I keep thinking about how I am almost done having kids and how sad I will be when I have my last baby grow up.  I LOVE the baby stages.  They are my favorite.  Then I realized something, I don't have to be sad because I still get to raise you.  I will get to be a mom to a baby all over again (and not have to go through another pregnancy to get a baby..... woot woot!)  Not all moms will have the opportunity to raise a child during the millennium.  When I think about that day, I am filled with joy! 
This year for our family time to honor you we went to lunch, a movie, and then went out to Lake Lowell.  It was a beautiful day today.  Those I love called me or texted me which always means so much to me.  The day before your birthday is always the hardest because it just brings back so many memories and rather than pushing some of those memories aside like I usually do I let those feelings in, and they are still fresh..... even after 7 years.  I know I only had you for 8 days, but losing a child is still one of the most painful things a mother can experience.  It is my greatest fear today.... that I will lose another child.  I mostly fear it because I know how much it hurts!  All year round it is easy to talk about you and think of you.  It is really just this time of year that it hurts. 
Stenson and I went to our friends house (Jorgensen's) for a dance party and it was the perfect distraction.  It was happening right at your birth time and I wasn't sitting around remembering back to the night that my life changed forever.  I was laughing and dancing and was around people I love.  I was LIVING!  The way it should be.  I still love you and long for the day I will have you in my arms again. Happy 7th Birthday beautiful girl!  Love, Mom

6 years old.... not a baby any more

Happy 6th birthday angel.  You wouldn't be little anymore.  You would be finishing kindergarten..... about to be in school all day next year.  I think about how alone your little sister Maron is at times and am sad at how different it would be for her if you were here.  Today was a good day for me.  The best birthday of yours I have had yet.  We didn't get to go to your grave to release the balloons because we live in Idaho now, but we still sent 6 balloons in heaven for you!
This past year has been a healing one for me.  I met a good friend while teaching Zumba in American Fork this year that we eventually figured out was the one who first worked on you when you were born at this time 6 years ago today.  He was the respiratory therapist that  kept you alive.  Today he has become a great friend of mine.  Cool coincidence that helps make that day not so gloomy!
I just couldn't sit around all day today so we got the kids out of school early and went to McCall on vacation for the weekend.  We are just spending time on the sandy beach and playing at the pool at the hotel.  It has been a nice distraction!  I still miss you like crazy and can't wait to have you in my arms again!  I love you angel!

My daughter's death date

It was 5 years ago today that you died in my arms.  When I think back to that specific moments when you stopped breathing, as I held your little face next to my ear so I could hear your last breath..... it reminds me of the most agonizing moment of my life.  I remember how final it felt.  Today, 5 years later I can still feel that immense pain as if it were happening all over again.... yet I have so much strength and healing in my heart as well.  Today, it is ok.  I know I have talked a lot about the pain that comes from losing a child, but today, I want everyone to know where I get my strength and how my heart was healed.  #1 -- through my Savior Jesus Christ.  I KNOW that He died for me and thanks to His great sacrifice I will get a chance to raise my daughter.  I KNOW she is in heaven watching over us and that she is a part of our lives in a very deep way, guiding us, to make good choices so we can return to her in heaven some day.  I KNOW that I will get to be with her for eternity and that there IS life after death.  I also received healing through #2-- friends and family.  I had so many sweet notes, texts, and even amazing people showing up at my door on your birthday.  We cried together and it bonded to many people in a very special way.  I have had so many comments from people saying that they were grateful for this blog because they got to see into my heart and understand death and grieving in a new way.  My husband was shocked to see how open I have been about my deepest emotions (I am not that great at sharing my feelings).  Yet this blog has been so freeing to just express everything I have felt.  The emotions are too much to hold in.  Through writing I have found peace.  So today, on London's death date.... I am really doing good!  I want everyone to know as I sit here with tears streaming down my face how good it feels to finally be able to say that!  I could not have done it by myself.  I acknowledge that I have MANY angels surrounding me daily.... here on earth and in heaven.  So my sweet London, I will say today not that I miss you, but I can't wait to see you again!  Love, Mommy

Happy Birthday 5 year old!

My dear sweet London,
Today you would be 5 years old!  I would have come in and woken you up this morning and sang to you, made you a cake, and thrown you a party.  Your birthday is always a sad day in my life but I am so grateful for you angel.  In this picture you are being held by Maddy who was 5 at the time.  You no longer would fit in your tiny little green dress, but you would be wearing Maddy's green dress now.  To think that you would be that big blows me away.  You would be starting Kindergarten this fall.  It is the "would be's" that are hard.  To look at my other kids and have all those wonderful memories just makes me feel jipped!  I KNOW I will see you again and I will get that chance, I just miss you today. This picture was taken about 30 minutes before you passed away.   Everyday I get through the pain just fine because I don't let myself really go there.  On your birthday, I let it all in, and it is still gut wrenching.  The pain physically hurts my heart.  I kind of get into a funk this time of year.  I got a sub for Zumba tonight because I just don't know if I can concentrate.  It may be just what I need today... to dance and have fun and let go, but I just feel like hiding out. We will go to your grave and release 5 balloons for you.  Look for them from heaven and know I am thinking of you today.

Fact of Life

It is amazing to see how much better I am doing now. This year especially has been so much easier for me. I had the chance to talk to a friend the other night about London and it was just matter of fact. It wasn't even difficult or emotional. Now it is just the way it is and that's ok. I didn't ever think I would get to this point. I used to look at people who would say,"it get's better", and think...."are you nuts.... this pain is never going to go away!" The pain doesn't ever go away, but it does lessen. I used to look at her pictures all the time just so I wouldn't forget. Now it is difficult to look at her because I enjoy feeling content about what happened and I don't want to be reminded of the pain. Overall.... I am doing well. My friend that I was talking to just had a sister-in-law lose her baby boy in a VERY similar way. It was the first case I had seen that was similar to London. As she described how the baby didn't cry, eat, or move because he too had a genetic disorder it was a little too close to home, but I actually felt good inside knowing there was someone else out there that maybe understood what that was like for me. My heart absolutely aches for her. Knowing what she must be going through right now, but it was still comforting to me thinking I had someone else out there that "get's it." Over these years I have talked a lot with parents who have lost children but it has been for different reasons. Either they lost a 5 year old, or the baby was stillborn, or they knew before they had the baby, or it was a premature baby. I have never met anyone who had their baby expecting a healthy one, then never hear the baby cry or get to feed it. Then taking them off the life support and watching your child die in your arms. All of the same emotions happened to this other family. So, if you ever read this.... I am here for you. I actually do understand, and I can tell you, it is going to be hard, but you can do it, and you don't have to do it alone. Here for you....

D-day #3

So I have been fine all day. Yes 3 years ago today you passed away. Today should be really hard. So, I focused on family history work and actually found a lot of work to do. I am fired up and feeling great today. Then I went to Costco and at the register the man asked me if I wanted to donate to Primary Children's Hospital. (I thought... HAHA... if you only knew how much money I have already given them!) The real reason I have been fine is because I haven't let myself GO THERE! When my mind started to think of that time it tortures my soul with pain, so I shut it out. Well, Being the idiot that I am, I decided to watch the tape from 3 years ago today. It was of me dressing you and us taking you off the ventilator. It was torture to sit and watch you dying, but it also was something I couldn't turn off. I hadn't seen that footage in years and I found myself staring at you realizing how much I have forgotten or pushed out. It was also hard because my dad was in that video. Yes, I cried my eyes out but I feel so much better knowing that THIS TIME OF YEAR is over! It is so hard. The thing that hit me while I watched that is... that is the only kind of video I have of you. From the moment you were born to the second you died, is all on tape, but I don't have any happy memories to look back on. It was all so hard and painful. The pain is all I have to remember. Except the sweet miracles that happened. Those were beautiful moments for me. So my sweet 3 year old. I miss you and cannot wait for our blissful reunion, and the chance to create happy memories together!

Happy Mother's Day

The other day my son had a Mother's Day program at school. It was fun and cute, but it reminded me of a memory I hadn't thought of for a long long time. You see mother's day always lands on "LONDON WEEK," or the week of London's life. It reminded me of his mother's day program I went to the week London died. I remember going in to his pre-school and all the other moms and teachers looked at me, obviously no longer pregnant, and asked where my baby was. Everyone asked so many questions that it made me sick to my stomach to have to answer them. So mother's day is great but it always will hold some unhappy memories for me.

Dear friends

Last night our good friends came over to cheer us up. They thought we were down because of business trials. They brought ice cream and we talked for a while. Half way through the night they asked, "Is it some sort of anniversary?" We said, "Yeah, isn't that why you are here? It's London's 3rd birthday." They had no idea. They are new friends so they didn't know the date. But it was amazing to see the Lord continuing to buoy us up. We are no longer a part of our old ward who knew all the details of London's life. Our new ward has no idea. The Lord did though. He knew we needed love and cheering up so he sent the Harris' to our doorstep. We then proceeded to talk about the trials of losing a child and they cried and we cried. It was good to get out my emotions and have someone to listen who completely understands. Thank you Steve and Laura for listening, not only to us but the spirit.

Happy 3rd birthday

Well it is 8:30-- the time you were born. This year has definitely been interesting. I haven't written on this blog all year because I have been doing so well. This year has made all the difference as far as healing goes. Maron is a HUGE factor in that healing. Now I am not the woman with empty arms. My baby void has been filled and I just eat up my baby Maron. There have been moments over the year that I have looked at Maron and watched her learn and grow and just cried and kissed her to pieces with such a grateful heart that I get to see her everyday and have those wonderful moments. But this year that is what hurts the most. I now see all I have missed. I look at Maron and that isn't where London would be today. She wouldn't be a baby anymore. She would be 3!!! She would know it was her birthday and be excited about it! This year was so much easier to handle that in the past. Problem is... I thought it wouldn't be hard at all. I thought I would handle it just fine, but I have learned something today. This is always going to hurt. Every May 3 and May 11 for the rest of my life are going to bring me pain. Next year it will be that she would be 4 and so on. Every year will be a new landmark that I am missing out on. I am better this year, but it still really hurts.
One of the ways that I have been able to move on has just been to not let myself think about it. If I don't let myself go there I am just fine. But today it seems wrong to push her out of my mind. I need to remember her today. Problem is that brings in so many painful memories. It amazed me today to feel that the pain is still so deep it almost seems to much to bear. I can literally feel my chest gasp for air as I think of her, and as I realize that... I miss her so much!!!!
This morning I sat Maron down and showed her pictures of London and it was too much for me. I pushed it aside and didn't let myself feel. The problem I felt as I looked at those pictures was the unfamiliarity of them. At the time I knew every inch of her little body and her scent, and as I held Maron in my arms I felt jipped. I know every sound, look, smell, and feature on Maron. I've had time to learn more about her. She knows me. But London was only here for a week and now here I am today and I realized I haven't seen my own daughter for 3 whole years. The memories are fading. The smell is gone, and the pictures of her in my mind are things I purposefully push out. I am forgetting. That fact alone is hard to admit.
I have been busy this year and I didn't realize this time of year had come so soon. Last week Maddy says to me, "mom, London's birthday is in 4 days!" At that moment I felt a pang of hurt fill me. That day was a hard one for me. I went to the temple with my best friend Mary that night and on the drive her 3 year old called her on the phone and yelled, "mommy I went pee-pee on the potty!!! Are you so impressed?" Jealousy filled my heart at that moment as I realized London should be in the same phase! We went through the temple and at the end we sat and looked at a beautiful picture of Christ in Heaven with His hands stretched outward showing the marks of His death. As I studied this picture with a prayer in my heart for comfort I heard the words in my mind... "He is risen. She will live again." As this happened an overwhelming feeling of comfort filled my heart. I will get my 3 year old and go through potty training. I just have to be patient and wait. But I will have her again. It is amazing to really think that way. To KNOW that I will get to have every moment I have missed with her. What a beautiful day that will be. This year didn't matter who called or remembered, but that I now understand that it is going to hurt, but I just need to be patient, for I will get this day back and the joy will be that as great as my pain.

London's headstone was put in today. How timely. It only took us 3 years to get it put in! Someone paid for it too. We don't know who, so if the person responsible is reading this all I can say is... Thank you! It helped us out so much! It turned out beautifully! It especially helped us today as we went to the grave to see her place in this world, marked where all can visit her.

Death Day #2

May 11, 2009
Death Day

I have been a bit more depressed today as I have thought about you. Thinking about the events that occurred 2 years ago today are extremely painful. I still can’t believe it has been 2 years since I saw you. I miss you dear London. Yesterday was mother’s day and it made me a little sad to not have gotten to mother you more. I have missed out on 2 years with you, but I know and have faith that I will get those days and they will be happier days than I can even imagine. I still wish our families had remembered you this year but it is okay. I remember and I miss you.

May 3, 2009

May 3, 2009
Happy 2nd Birthday London! I cannot believe it has been 2 years. I actually had an okay day today. We just moved out of our home yesterday so I have been busy and distracted and haven’t thought about it too much. We went to your grave and let go of 2 balloons. We all wrote a note on them and released them into heaven. Maddy and Boston enjoyed it. My mom came by to see me and decorate the grave as well and my best friends from church all remembered. I was fine until tonight when our good friend Stacy texted me to make sure I was okay. After I chatted with her it hit me… your birthday had come and gone. No party, candles, or presents. No phone calls saying happy birthday came like my other kids get. No ackowledgement at all from the people in my life that remember my birthday or Maddy’s birthday. It was then that I broke down crying. I guess it just really hurt to realize that as the years go by Stenson and I may be the only ones that will ever remember. That is the sad part. All anyone will ever be able to do for your birthday is remember. It was disappointing to feel the lack of support from our families. It is hard to go through when you are alone in having these feelings. For example, this past year for my dad’s birthday everyone called my mom to make sure she was okay. Why? Because it was affecting them as well. It is a hard day. With you though, most people forgot. It just feels like to them your life never happened. There are no memories or laughs to remember. I wouldn’t mind if everyone forgot your death date because that was a sad day. Your birthday should be a celebration of your life even though it was short. So I guess all I can say is, Happy Birthday baby girl! I love you and I will never forget.

Room 216

So 2 weeks ago I made some huge progress. My sister-in-law had her baby and I was next door for my ultrasound. I decided to bite the bullet and actually go to the hospital to visit. Since I got pregnant hearing about babies being born doesn't make me cry so I figured I could handle it. As I approached the hospital doors I realized this was the very hospital I had London at so I walked in and zoned out my environment trying not to remember or associate anything to her birth. It was hard but I got through it. I did it and felt that I had made HUGE progress. Well, today I think I digressed. My sister had her baby. I was super happy for her and felt no issues with going to the hospital. We went to visit her and it was the same hospital too. We walked in and I was happy was again zoning out any feelings that came my way. Until... We went to their room and needed to wait out in the hall for a bit. As soon as I was stopped I looked around and realized she was in the EXACT same room that London was born in. As soon as I realized this I couldn't get the memory of that day out of my head. We went in and saw the BEAUTIFUL healthy baby. I didn't feel jealous at all but I kept having flashes of moments in that room. When they would wheel me out to see her bc she was too frail to come see me, or when I had her and they worked on her for such a long time right by me. Then I remembered them wheeling her in to me the next morning as I laid in that bed and squeezing her little hand through the incubator before they took her away from me to another hospital and as I realized I was going home without her. Being in that room made me realize that I was standing right where I had before when my world came crashing down before me. I felt so bad as I stood there fighting back the tears without success. This is why I didn't visit hospitals. It is supposed to be a happy moment where you ooh and aah the cute baby and give your congrats.... and there I am crying remembering when it was me. I didn't get that ooh and aaahh moment. I got bad news after bad news. It was not a happy memory for me. In fact there is not a more traumatic memory for me than that night in that very room. I was fine. I think I just got blind sighted when it turned up to be her room. It just made it so hard. So Carrie.... I m so sorry. I really am happy for you and she is sooo cute. I love you. Wish I would have been stronger.
It got me thinking though.... how am I going to handle this when that is me delivering again? I am going to be a basket-case. After facing that again today I am really terrified. Grateful and excited.... but really terrified.

My Joy has finally come!

I think this is the first happy entry I am putting on this blog. It is the greatest news ever! FINALLY I am pregnant again. The clomid worked I guess. Honestly I know that God is on control and it was just my time. The saying, your joy cometh in the morning, has true meaning for me now. After going through years of this I finally feel joy. I know I still have a LONG way to go and something bad could happen again. But I have faith that this will work out. Yes, I am scared out of my mind, but it will be worth it if it turns out okay. Anything is better than getting a NO every month. I finally got a yes. I can't even begin to say how grateful I was. Month after month of devastation and all of a sudden that is over. I can think about babies and pregnancy and not feel sick inside. I am not jealous or bitter when I think of that now. I am happy and excited for myself. I am still in shock I think. This is going to be an interesting ride. But I truly can say I feel joy. It is a deeper joy now than before. I have a sweeter smile, and a happier heart. I am always excited when I find out I am pregnant but this defies all happiness I have ever felt in my life. It means so much more now. My friend Mary informed me that it was a year ago tomorrow that I miscarried. It has been a full year and here I am. This past Halloween was the 4th one I have been pregnant. I was pregnant when we moved into our home on Halloween, miscarried that baby, then pregnant with London, a year later my last miscarriage, and then here I am another year later... pregnant. Only this time I will get a baby! It is my turn!


This has been what every test has looked like for the past year.... Negative





I took this test but the line was too faint so I really couldn't tell. It looked just like the false positive test I took last month. I saw a line there but Stenson didn't. I think he really was trying to protect me from getting hurt again if it really wasn't true. So I wondered... am I pregnant or not?





I took a digital test so I wouldn't be confused by the lines. This answer was quite clear!

Get up and finish the race

Today would have been London's first day of nursery. It was a hard day but at least now sitting in church during sunday school it makes sense that my arms are so empty. They would be if she were still alive because she would be in nursery.
I didn't want to face the social side of church today. I wanted to continue to hide away, yet I was uplifted and nourished. The teacher talked about finishing the race and enduring to the end. As she said this I could hear my dad reciting the poem he always did, "Get up and finish the Race." As I thought about this I realized some things about my life over the past 3 years. It started out as the 400 M run. Then it turned into the mile. I can run the mile and I know I can handle that. Then it kept going and I was forced to run a 5 K. Wait! I haven't trained for this, how could I possibly finish? Now I feel as though I have been running a marathon and yet I still cannot see a finish line in sight. So how have I done? There have been a lot of up and down hills. Mostly uphill. I climb and I climb, yet I haven't paced myself. I didn't realize I would be running a marathon when I started and I began way too fast. I pace myself at times trying as I hard as I can not to give up. But I have failed many times. Emotions have made me clam up completely rendering me immovable for days at a time. I have shut down, stopped feeling and moving, and I have fought and pushed hard trying to catch a glimpse of an end in sight. As I run physically feeling a pain in my chest I look up and see a load of young mother's lap me. They run by me with ease. They already ran the race had their child and have started a new race having another before I have even begun to finish my first. I feel like this week I was just told that I still have miles to go, I'm not even close to finishing this race. So I guess I need to learn to pace myself without getting too hopeful, but having enough to get up and finish the race. I can't give up. I want it too bad. I just need to remember to pace myself.

It's my fault

I have learned something this week. I have pushed away those people that aren't as close to me anymore. It truly is my fault. I don't go to baby showers, visit hospitals, and I avoid those with babies. I also don't open up when I truly need to. I wait until it is too late to talk about it and then I feel like nobody knows what is happening in my life. What made me realize this? Another woman's blog for one but it got me thinking and I have pushed away people big time this week.
I have had the hardest week and I have not turned to anyone for help. I'm noticing that in my deep moments of despair I don't know HOW to talk about it. My week started with big time symptoms of pregnancy... sore chest, fatigue, moody, nausea, headaches. Then I found out that the clomid didn't work. I started my period. I was confused and devastated. I called Stenson at work and he came home immediately and held me for hours while I sobbed. I found out that the clomid can cause all the symptoms I was having that are so similar to pregnancy symptoms. Then the SEVERE bleeding and cramping hit. WOW I really hate clomid right now. I started my second run with the drug today. An increase in dosage too. I am really scared for next month. I thought for sure this was it. That is was finally my turn. I let myself have hope again. Every time I let myself get happy and hopeful again I am slammed back to the ground. As I sat there bawling I knew that I had a few friends that I promised to tell when I knew the results. Problem was I really thought I was going to be calling them celebrating, not mourning. I felt like I went and tried out for a big part and was rejected. I felt foolish and didn't know what to say and I knew I couldn't even get the words out without crying.... so I just haven't called them. I am truly sorry! I know I am pushing away those trying to lift me and support me. I sat there by myself waiting for Stenson to get home and I sobbingly prayed for help, for someone to care and help me get through this knowing I couldn't handle it on my own. Later that day my phone was ringing off the hook. People probably listening to the spirit calling to check on me and I never answered it. I just let it ring while I laid in bed crying. I just don't know how to say the words. I am a failure. I am still broken. I did absolutely EVERYTHING I could and it wasn't enough. I know it is God's plan and my joy will come in the morning. It just feels like it has been nighttime forever! So to those who are trying to help please forgive me for not calling. Please don't give up on me. I just need a little more time.

Who cares?

It has been interesting to watch human behavior at tragic times. I know that I have shown my true colors being in the middle of it. But watching others react to you when you are going through it is different. I have noticed that there are 3 categories that others fall into. 1- Being completely supportive. This includes phone calls, cards, letters, and listening. Most of all ASKING. Letting me talk.
2- Obviously uncomfortable and don't know what to say around me. So they avoid me. They shield me from their babies and they try to distract me and keep the topic light. These people never really help me but are still included in my social life so they deal.
3- Those who say things that hurt me. They push their babies on me because they think it will help. They say extremely insensitive comments...(Are we still talking about London. Haven't we done this a million times already?)

(You can help me with my baby Paige, because you don't have one and you are the only one who can because everyone else is pregnant)
(I didn't know you guys were trying to get pregnant? I just thought you guys were still too hung up on London and didn't want another one for a while?)
(How many kids do you have? (I say 3) But I thought one died? So you only have 2 right?) NO I HAVE 3 is what I want to scream.
Yes- People have actually said those things to me. What has been interesting is how people have slid in and out of the 3 types through the past year and a half. At first there were strong friends right by my side. I guess they have gotten sick of my whining because most of them are now those who don't ask anymore and just keep the topic light. 3 months ago I found out I wasn't ovulating and needed fertility drugs. I told myself I would talk about it to anyone who asked. Well I think people got sick of asking me when I was going to be pregnant again because in that time 2 people asked. I told another because I needed someone to talk to. My last post pretty much put it out there. Since then a few more people know. Right now I have family members and friends who have absolutely no idea how hard this has been and what I have been going through. I feel very alone. New people have stepped in and have really been there for me. Thank you to those who have let me vent. (You know who you are) Yes I still need to talk about stuff. I know I should be okay by now but it really is more about the longing for a baby than the issues of grief for London.

1 step forward-- 2 steps back

Ironic that my last entry talked about how tired I was from waiting to get pregnant. That was 3 months ago and her I sit... still no progress. Talk about TIRED! The past 3 months actually have been the best I've had since London died. Until last week. Now... I am sad, angry, and exhausted. I'm done. Or at least I wish I could be. I wish this nightmare part of my life would be over already so I could simply get up in the morning happy again. I miss being happy. Over the summer I had come to accept that I would get a baby when the time was right. I was patient. When people would ask me how I was I would say "fine" and I would actually mean it. People would tell me they are pregnant and it actually wasn't hard for me. 3 more sisters now. Now the babies are starting to come it is hard. But I could handle it. Until last week. I was a week late, full of hope. I took a pregnancy test and there was a faint line saying YES. I was absolutely elated. My heart jumped from my chest, knowing it was finally my turn to have joy. It was my time. The next day however I began to bleed. I went and got tested and it turns out I received a false positive. I was NOT pregnant. How cruel to let my hopes get lifted only to crush them so quickly. This was so hard because 3 months ago I was tested and it turns out I am completely broken. I am not ovulating. At all. I have not talked to others about this because I feel like such a failure. My body has failed 3 babies so far and now it was not even working right to make them. I am broken. Chlomid is the doctors remedy. A fertility drug to jump-start ovulation. Stenson and I didn't feel good about it so we continued on... waiting for something to change on it's own. When I saw the positive sign on the test I thought I had been healed and I wasn't broken. I wish I could talk to someone about this but it is so hard to let others know what a horrible mama I must be if I can't even get my babies here alive much them give them a body. Meanwhile everyone around me are huge success stories when it comes to this part of being a woman. Even the unmarried ones can function properly. They can't take care of them when they get them here but they can at least do that. Then there is me who has a loving husband and caring home and I can't seem to produce results. It is humiliating being around all these successful women who are handed baby after baby and I still don't get one before they all have 2. I am so jealous I can't stand it. I hate feeling this way. It isn't positive or good for me but I have to just get it out!
Now I am working. I leave my family and work all day. Why? Because we need the money and I CAN! If I had a baby I wouldn't be able to do so. So, because I don't have a baby, I am not needed in the home and I don't get to be a mom at all any more. Now I never see the kids I have and it is killing me.
I also feel like a horrible sister and friend. I go to baby showers and leave before the presents re opened. I give them money instead of gifts because I can't even walk down the baby aisle without screaming. I can't even go to the hospital to see them, and I never want to hold their babies. I feel like I give no support and now I am a failure as a friend too. I hate getting up each day knowing that I have to go be around babies wherever I go and I am screaming inside just wanting to run away. I hate having to face such hard emotions everyday. I am really complaining now. I think I have hit a big wall. I wonder how long it will take me to climb over this one.

Due Date

June 2, 2008
Does anyone know what today should be?
Anyone else or is it only me?
It seems people just forget to them it is just another day
But for me, I just can't think of it that way
My heart aches and I can't stop the tears
I keep on wishing that you were still here
Others just don't understand why, today, I mourn
Today is a special day; the day you would have been born.

Here I have fallen on yet another empty due date. This was from my last miscarriage. A woman in my ward was due the same time and she had her baby this week. I have a sister-in-law who was due right after me as well and she will be having hers soon as well. Then there is me who 7 months after a miscarriage and I am not even pregnant yet. Not that I haven't tried. That is my other area that hurts so much today. I started my period. I was a week late and I had high hopes. Now I am just scared. For the first time in a while I really feel like giving up. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of hurting and getting let down over and over again. I'm so tired.

Thank You

There have been so many people who have helped me and supported me this year. I just wanted to make a special entry to thank those in my life.
Thank you to:
Stenson-you are amazing. Thank you for letting me cry and being the most amazing husband in the world
Mom- you have let me speak my true feelings and you have helped me see things in a better way. You have been my best friend.
Carrie- for all the cards, and calls and for sharing Adie with me.
Holley- I am deeply grateful for the friendship I have with you. You are aways there for me and I am so grateful to have you my life.
Linzi- for helping me through my last miscarriage
Jenae- for being there and not pushing me. You have stood back and let me do it my way, but I have always known you were there for me.
Eden, Megan, Holly, and Mary- You are my church buddies and you have just been my friends. Thank you for all the goodies and love you have poured upon me. I love you guys!
Jared and Jamie- for loving me! I have never doubted that from you.

Thank you everyone,
I have felt your prayers and your love for me and it has made all the difference in the world.

1 Year Mark

May 11, 2008
Today is your death day. You should only have a birthday, not a death day too. Today is also Mother's day. At first I thought how cruel life can be that it would land on the same day. Then, I figured I could get both days done at once, plus it made me realize how grateful I am to be your mother. I was selected to be given a perfect angel. I am truly blessed. London, I have thought a lot about you and the night you died. Last week I finally watched the tapes of your life. It took me a few days just to get past the part where we removed you from the life support. My heart ached too much to watch. Now that I have made it through and watched all of it, part of me is healed. I have not allowed myself to remember those hard memories. Every time they have entered my mind I have pushed them out. They just hurt too much. I watched the funeral as well and I noticed that there were a lot of wonderful things that I have forgotten. I was strong then. I have let that fade. I can be strong again and I will get there. This blogging has been pure therapy for my soul. It has been so scary to bear my soul to the world, but the thought that I could help someone else makes it all worth it.
My family came over to be with me tonight. Just as they did last year. We talked about you and they reminded me of the great blessings that came with having you in my life. You have touched so many lives and I needed to remember that. They showed me love and support and simply allowed me to talk about you. That was the first time I have done that. I love my family. I need my family. It was a nice way to get past this dreaded day and it made it a happy day for me. I was able to cry and let out my pain. I feel so much better. Now I don't feel like I am that far off from where I hoped to be at your year mark. I feel like I have let it out and now I can begin to move on and be grateful and happy for my life.
I will still continue to write, and I pray that my next posts will be of a much happier nature. The pain will never go away, but it can be eased with time, and as I have learned, with letting it out. Not suppressing it.