May 3, 2009

May 3, 2009
Happy 2nd Birthday London! I cannot believe it has been 2 years. I actually had an okay day today. We just moved out of our home yesterday so I have been busy and distracted and haven’t thought about it too much. We went to your grave and let go of 2 balloons. We all wrote a note on them and released them into heaven. Maddy and Boston enjoyed it. My mom came by to see me and decorate the grave as well and my best friends from church all remembered. I was fine until tonight when our good friend Stacy texted me to make sure I was okay. After I chatted with her it hit me… your birthday had come and gone. No party, candles, or presents. No phone calls saying happy birthday came like my other kids get. No ackowledgement at all from the people in my life that remember my birthday or Maddy’s birthday. It was then that I broke down crying. I guess it just really hurt to realize that as the years go by Stenson and I may be the only ones that will ever remember. That is the sad part. All anyone will ever be able to do for your birthday is remember. It was disappointing to feel the lack of support from our families. It is hard to go through when you are alone in having these feelings. For example, this past year for my dad’s birthday everyone called my mom to make sure she was okay. Why? Because it was affecting them as well. It is a hard day. With you though, most people forgot. It just feels like to them your life never happened. There are no memories or laughs to remember. I wouldn’t mind if everyone forgot your death date because that was a sad day. Your birthday should be a celebration of your life even though it was short. So I guess all I can say is, Happy Birthday baby girl! I love you and I will never forget.

Room 216

So 2 weeks ago I made some huge progress. My sister-in-law had her baby and I was next door for my ultrasound. I decided to bite the bullet and actually go to the hospital to visit. Since I got pregnant hearing about babies being born doesn't make me cry so I figured I could handle it. As I approached the hospital doors I realized this was the very hospital I had London at so I walked in and zoned out my environment trying not to remember or associate anything to her birth. It was hard but I got through it. I did it and felt that I had made HUGE progress. Well, today I think I digressed. My sister had her baby. I was super happy for her and felt no issues with going to the hospital. We went to visit her and it was the same hospital too. We walked in and I was happy was again zoning out any feelings that came my way. Until... We went to their room and needed to wait out in the hall for a bit. As soon as I was stopped I looked around and realized she was in the EXACT same room that London was born in. As soon as I realized this I couldn't get the memory of that day out of my head. We went in and saw the BEAUTIFUL healthy baby. I didn't feel jealous at all but I kept having flashes of moments in that room. When they would wheel me out to see her bc she was too frail to come see me, or when I had her and they worked on her for such a long time right by me. Then I remembered them wheeling her in to me the next morning as I laid in that bed and squeezing her little hand through the incubator before they took her away from me to another hospital and as I realized I was going home without her. Being in that room made me realize that I was standing right where I had before when my world came crashing down before me. I felt so bad as I stood there fighting back the tears without success. This is why I didn't visit hospitals. It is supposed to be a happy moment where you ooh and aah the cute baby and give your congrats.... and there I am crying remembering when it was me. I didn't get that ooh and aaahh moment. I got bad news after bad news. It was not a happy memory for me. In fact there is not a more traumatic memory for me than that night in that very room. I was fine. I think I just got blind sighted when it turned up to be her room. It just made it so hard. So Carrie.... I m so sorry. I really am happy for you and she is sooo cute. I love you. Wish I would have been stronger.
It got me thinking though.... how am I going to handle this when that is me delivering again? I am going to be a basket-case. After facing that again today I am really terrified. Grateful and excited.... but really terrified.

My Joy has finally come!

I think this is the first happy entry I am putting on this blog. It is the greatest news ever! FINALLY I am pregnant again. The clomid worked I guess. Honestly I know that God is on control and it was just my time. The saying, your joy cometh in the morning, has true meaning for me now. After going through years of this I finally feel joy. I know I still have a LONG way to go and something bad could happen again. But I have faith that this will work out. Yes, I am scared out of my mind, but it will be worth it if it turns out okay. Anything is better than getting a NO every month. I finally got a yes. I can't even begin to say how grateful I was. Month after month of devastation and all of a sudden that is over. I can think about babies and pregnancy and not feel sick inside. I am not jealous or bitter when I think of that now. I am happy and excited for myself. I am still in shock I think. This is going to be an interesting ride. But I truly can say I feel joy. It is a deeper joy now than before. I have a sweeter smile, and a happier heart. I am always excited when I find out I am pregnant but this defies all happiness I have ever felt in my life. It means so much more now. My friend Mary informed me that it was a year ago tomorrow that I miscarried. It has been a full year and here I am. This past Halloween was the 4th one I have been pregnant. I was pregnant when we moved into our home on Halloween, miscarried that baby, then pregnant with London, a year later my last miscarriage, and then here I am another year later... pregnant. Only this time I will get a baby! It is my turn!


This has been what every test has looked like for the past year.... Negative





I took this test but the line was too faint so I really couldn't tell. It looked just like the false positive test I took last month. I saw a line there but Stenson didn't. I think he really was trying to protect me from getting hurt again if it really wasn't true. So I wondered... am I pregnant or not?





I took a digital test so I wouldn't be confused by the lines. This answer was quite clear!

Get up and finish the race

Today would have been London's first day of nursery. It was a hard day but at least now sitting in church during sunday school it makes sense that my arms are so empty. They would be if she were still alive because she would be in nursery.
I didn't want to face the social side of church today. I wanted to continue to hide away, yet I was uplifted and nourished. The teacher talked about finishing the race and enduring to the end. As she said this I could hear my dad reciting the poem he always did, "Get up and finish the Race." As I thought about this I realized some things about my life over the past 3 years. It started out as the 400 M run. Then it turned into the mile. I can run the mile and I know I can handle that. Then it kept going and I was forced to run a 5 K. Wait! I haven't trained for this, how could I possibly finish? Now I feel as though I have been running a marathon and yet I still cannot see a finish line in sight. So how have I done? There have been a lot of up and down hills. Mostly uphill. I climb and I climb, yet I haven't paced myself. I didn't realize I would be running a marathon when I started and I began way too fast. I pace myself at times trying as I hard as I can not to give up. But I have failed many times. Emotions have made me clam up completely rendering me immovable for days at a time. I have shut down, stopped feeling and moving, and I have fought and pushed hard trying to catch a glimpse of an end in sight. As I run physically feeling a pain in my chest I look up and see a load of young mother's lap me. They run by me with ease. They already ran the race had their child and have started a new race having another before I have even begun to finish my first. I feel like this week I was just told that I still have miles to go, I'm not even close to finishing this race. So I guess I need to learn to pace myself without getting too hopeful, but having enough to get up and finish the race. I can't give up. I want it too bad. I just need to remember to pace myself.

It's my fault

I have learned something this week. I have pushed away those people that aren't as close to me anymore. It truly is my fault. I don't go to baby showers, visit hospitals, and I avoid those with babies. I also don't open up when I truly need to. I wait until it is too late to talk about it and then I feel like nobody knows what is happening in my life. What made me realize this? Another woman's blog for one but it got me thinking and I have pushed away people big time this week.
I have had the hardest week and I have not turned to anyone for help. I'm noticing that in my deep moments of despair I don't know HOW to talk about it. My week started with big time symptoms of pregnancy... sore chest, fatigue, moody, nausea, headaches. Then I found out that the clomid didn't work. I started my period. I was confused and devastated. I called Stenson at work and he came home immediately and held me for hours while I sobbed. I found out that the clomid can cause all the symptoms I was having that are so similar to pregnancy symptoms. Then the SEVERE bleeding and cramping hit. WOW I really hate clomid right now. I started my second run with the drug today. An increase in dosage too. I am really scared for next month. I thought for sure this was it. That is was finally my turn. I let myself have hope again. Every time I let myself get happy and hopeful again I am slammed back to the ground. As I sat there bawling I knew that I had a few friends that I promised to tell when I knew the results. Problem was I really thought I was going to be calling them celebrating, not mourning. I felt like I went and tried out for a big part and was rejected. I felt foolish and didn't know what to say and I knew I couldn't even get the words out without crying.... so I just haven't called them. I am truly sorry! I know I am pushing away those trying to lift me and support me. I sat there by myself waiting for Stenson to get home and I sobbingly prayed for help, for someone to care and help me get through this knowing I couldn't handle it on my own. Later that day my phone was ringing off the hook. People probably listening to the spirit calling to check on me and I never answered it. I just let it ring while I laid in bed crying. I just don't know how to say the words. I am a failure. I am still broken. I did absolutely EVERYTHING I could and it wasn't enough. I know it is God's plan and my joy will come in the morning. It just feels like it has been nighttime forever! So to those who are trying to help please forgive me for not calling. Please don't give up on me. I just need a little more time.

Who cares?

It has been interesting to watch human behavior at tragic times. I know that I have shown my true colors being in the middle of it. But watching others react to you when you are going through it is different. I have noticed that there are 3 categories that others fall into. 1- Being completely supportive. This includes phone calls, cards, letters, and listening. Most of all ASKING. Letting me talk.
2- Obviously uncomfortable and don't know what to say around me. So they avoid me. They shield me from their babies and they try to distract me and keep the topic light. These people never really help me but are still included in my social life so they deal.
3- Those who say things that hurt me. They push their babies on me because they think it will help. They say extremely insensitive comments...(Are we still talking about London. Haven't we done this a million times already?)

(You can help me with my baby Paige, because you don't have one and you are the only one who can because everyone else is pregnant)
(I didn't know you guys were trying to get pregnant? I just thought you guys were still too hung up on London and didn't want another one for a while?)
(How many kids do you have? (I say 3) But I thought one died? So you only have 2 right?) NO I HAVE 3 is what I want to scream.
Yes- People have actually said those things to me. What has been interesting is how people have slid in and out of the 3 types through the past year and a half. At first there were strong friends right by my side. I guess they have gotten sick of my whining because most of them are now those who don't ask anymore and just keep the topic light. 3 months ago I found out I wasn't ovulating and needed fertility drugs. I told myself I would talk about it to anyone who asked. Well I think people got sick of asking me when I was going to be pregnant again because in that time 2 people asked. I told another because I needed someone to talk to. My last post pretty much put it out there. Since then a few more people know. Right now I have family members and friends who have absolutely no idea how hard this has been and what I have been going through. I feel very alone. New people have stepped in and have really been there for me. Thank you to those who have let me vent. (You know who you are) Yes I still need to talk about stuff. I know I should be okay by now but it really is more about the longing for a baby than the issues of grief for London.

1 step forward-- 2 steps back

Ironic that my last entry talked about how tired I was from waiting to get pregnant. That was 3 months ago and her I sit... still no progress. Talk about TIRED! The past 3 months actually have been the best I've had since London died. Until last week. Now... I am sad, angry, and exhausted. I'm done. Or at least I wish I could be. I wish this nightmare part of my life would be over already so I could simply get up in the morning happy again. I miss being happy. Over the summer I had come to accept that I would get a baby when the time was right. I was patient. When people would ask me how I was I would say "fine" and I would actually mean it. People would tell me they are pregnant and it actually wasn't hard for me. 3 more sisters now. Now the babies are starting to come it is hard. But I could handle it. Until last week. I was a week late, full of hope. I took a pregnancy test and there was a faint line saying YES. I was absolutely elated. My heart jumped from my chest, knowing it was finally my turn to have joy. It was my time. The next day however I began to bleed. I went and got tested and it turns out I received a false positive. I was NOT pregnant. How cruel to let my hopes get lifted only to crush them so quickly. This was so hard because 3 months ago I was tested and it turns out I am completely broken. I am not ovulating. At all. I have not talked to others about this because I feel like such a failure. My body has failed 3 babies so far and now it was not even working right to make them. I am broken. Chlomid is the doctors remedy. A fertility drug to jump-start ovulation. Stenson and I didn't feel good about it so we continued on... waiting for something to change on it's own. When I saw the positive sign on the test I thought I had been healed and I wasn't broken. I wish I could talk to someone about this but it is so hard to let others know what a horrible mama I must be if I can't even get my babies here alive much them give them a body. Meanwhile everyone around me are huge success stories when it comes to this part of being a woman. Even the unmarried ones can function properly. They can't take care of them when they get them here but they can at least do that. Then there is me who has a loving husband and caring home and I can't seem to produce results. It is humiliating being around all these successful women who are handed baby after baby and I still don't get one before they all have 2. I am so jealous I can't stand it. I hate feeling this way. It isn't positive or good for me but I have to just get it out!
Now I am working. I leave my family and work all day. Why? Because we need the money and I CAN! If I had a baby I wouldn't be able to do so. So, because I don't have a baby, I am not needed in the home and I don't get to be a mom at all any more. Now I never see the kids I have and it is killing me.
I also feel like a horrible sister and friend. I go to baby showers and leave before the presents re opened. I give them money instead of gifts because I can't even walk down the baby aisle without screaming. I can't even go to the hospital to see them, and I never want to hold their babies. I feel like I give no support and now I am a failure as a friend too. I hate getting up each day knowing that I have to go be around babies wherever I go and I am screaming inside just wanting to run away. I hate having to face such hard emotions everyday. I am really complaining now. I think I have hit a big wall. I wonder how long it will take me to climb over this one.