My daughter's death date

It was 5 years ago today that you died in my arms.  When I think back to that specific moments when you stopped breathing, as I held your little face next to my ear so I could hear your last breath..... it reminds me of the most agonizing moment of my life.  I remember how final it felt.  Today, 5 years later I can still feel that immense pain as if it were happening all over again.... yet I have so much strength and healing in my heart as well.  Today, it is ok.  I know I have talked a lot about the pain that comes from losing a child, but today, I want everyone to know where I get my strength and how my heart was healed.  #1 -- through my Savior Jesus Christ.  I KNOW that He died for me and thanks to His great sacrifice I will get a chance to raise my daughter.  I KNOW she is in heaven watching over us and that she is a part of our lives in a very deep way, guiding us, to make good choices so we can return to her in heaven some day.  I KNOW that I will get to be with her for eternity and that there IS life after death.  I also received healing through #2-- friends and family.  I had so many sweet notes, texts, and even amazing people showing up at my door on your birthday.  We cried together and it bonded to many people in a very special way.  I have had so many comments from people saying that they were grateful for this blog because they got to see into my heart and understand death and grieving in a new way.  My husband was shocked to see how open I have been about my deepest emotions (I am not that great at sharing my feelings).  Yet this blog has been so freeing to just express everything I have felt.  The emotions are too much to hold in.  Through writing I have found peace.  So today, on London's death date.... I am really doing good!  I want everyone to know as I sit here with tears streaming down my face how good it feels to finally be able to say that!  I could not have done it by myself.  I acknowledge that I have MANY angels surrounding me daily.... here on earth and in heaven.  So my sweet London, I will say today not that I miss you, but I can't wait to see you again!  Love, Mommy

Happy Birthday 5 year old!

My dear sweet London,
Today you would be 5 years old!  I would have come in and woken you up this morning and sang to you, made you a cake, and thrown you a party.  Your birthday is always a sad day in my life but I am so grateful for you angel.  In this picture you are being held by Maddy who was 5 at the time.  You no longer would fit in your tiny little green dress, but you would be wearing Maddy's green dress now.  To think that you would be that big blows me away.  You would be starting Kindergarten this fall.  It is the "would be's" that are hard.  To look at my other kids and have all those wonderful memories just makes me feel jipped!  I KNOW I will see you again and I will get that chance, I just miss you today. This picture was taken about 30 minutes before you passed away.   Everyday I get through the pain just fine because I don't let myself really go there.  On your birthday, I let it all in, and it is still gut wrenching.  The pain physically hurts my heart.  I kind of get into a funk this time of year.  I got a sub for Zumba tonight because I just don't know if I can concentrate.  It may be just what I need today... to dance and have fun and let go, but I just feel like hiding out. We will go to your grave and release 5 balloons for you.  Look for them from heaven and know I am thinking of you today.

Fact of Life

It is amazing to see how much better I am doing now. This year especially has been so much easier for me. I had the chance to talk to a friend the other night about London and it was just matter of fact. It wasn't even difficult or emotional. Now it is just the way it is and that's ok. I didn't ever think I would get to this point. I used to look at people who would say,"it get's better", and think...."are you nuts.... this pain is never going to go away!" The pain doesn't ever go away, but it does lessen. I used to look at her pictures all the time just so I wouldn't forget. Now it is difficult to look at her because I enjoy feeling content about what happened and I don't want to be reminded of the pain. Overall.... I am doing well. My friend that I was talking to just had a sister-in-law lose her baby boy in a VERY similar way. It was the first case I had seen that was similar to London. As she described how the baby didn't cry, eat, or move because he too had a genetic disorder it was a little too close to home, but I actually felt good inside knowing there was someone else out there that maybe understood what that was like for me. My heart absolutely aches for her. Knowing what she must be going through right now, but it was still comforting to me thinking I had someone else out there that "get's it." Over these years I have talked a lot with parents who have lost children but it has been for different reasons. Either they lost a 5 year old, or the baby was stillborn, or they knew before they had the baby, or it was a premature baby. I have never met anyone who had their baby expecting a healthy one, then never hear the baby cry or get to feed it. Then taking them off the life support and watching your child die in your arms. All of the same emotions happened to this other family. So, if you ever read this.... I am here for you. I actually do understand, and I can tell you, it is going to be hard, but you can do it, and you don't have to do it alone. Here for you....

D-day #3

So I have been fine all day. Yes 3 years ago today you passed away. Today should be really hard. So, I focused on family history work and actually found a lot of work to do. I am fired up and feeling great today. Then I went to Costco and at the register the man asked me if I wanted to donate to Primary Children's Hospital. (I thought... HAHA... if you only knew how much money I have already given them!) The real reason I have been fine is because I haven't let myself GO THERE! When my mind started to think of that time it tortures my soul with pain, so I shut it out. Well, Being the idiot that I am, I decided to watch the tape from 3 years ago today. It was of me dressing you and us taking you off the ventilator. It was torture to sit and watch you dying, but it also was something I couldn't turn off. I hadn't seen that footage in years and I found myself staring at you realizing how much I have forgotten or pushed out. It was also hard because my dad was in that video. Yes, I cried my eyes out but I feel so much better knowing that THIS TIME OF YEAR is over! It is so hard. The thing that hit me while I watched that is... that is the only kind of video I have of you. From the moment you were born to the second you died, is all on tape, but I don't have any happy memories to look back on. It was all so hard and painful. The pain is all I have to remember. Except the sweet miracles that happened. Those were beautiful moments for me. So my sweet 3 year old. I miss you and cannot wait for our blissful reunion, and the chance to create happy memories together!

Happy Mother's Day

The other day my son had a Mother's Day program at school. It was fun and cute, but it reminded me of a memory I hadn't thought of for a long long time. You see mother's day always lands on "LONDON WEEK," or the week of London's life. It reminded me of his mother's day program I went to the week London died. I remember going in to his pre-school and all the other moms and teachers looked at me, obviously no longer pregnant, and asked where my baby was. Everyone asked so many questions that it made me sick to my stomach to have to answer them. So mother's day is great but it always will hold some unhappy memories for me.

Dear friends

Last night our good friends came over to cheer us up. They thought we were down because of business trials. They brought ice cream and we talked for a while. Half way through the night they asked, "Is it some sort of anniversary?" We said, "Yeah, isn't that why you are here? It's London's 3rd birthday." They had no idea. They are new friends so they didn't know the date. But it was amazing to see the Lord continuing to buoy us up. We are no longer a part of our old ward who knew all the details of London's life. Our new ward has no idea. The Lord did though. He knew we needed love and cheering up so he sent the Harris' to our doorstep. We then proceeded to talk about the trials of losing a child and they cried and we cried. It was good to get out my emotions and have someone to listen who completely understands. Thank you Steve and Laura for listening, not only to us but the spirit.

Happy 3rd birthday

Well it is 8:30-- the time you were born. This year has definitely been interesting. I haven't written on this blog all year because I have been doing so well. This year has made all the difference as far as healing goes. Maron is a HUGE factor in that healing. Now I am not the woman with empty arms. My baby void has been filled and I just eat up my baby Maron. There have been moments over the year that I have looked at Maron and watched her learn and grow and just cried and kissed her to pieces with such a grateful heart that I get to see her everyday and have those wonderful moments. But this year that is what hurts the most. I now see all I have missed. I look at Maron and that isn't where London would be today. She wouldn't be a baby anymore. She would be 3!!! She would know it was her birthday and be excited about it! This year was so much easier to handle that in the past. Problem is... I thought it wouldn't be hard at all. I thought I would handle it just fine, but I have learned something today. This is always going to hurt. Every May 3 and May 11 for the rest of my life are going to bring me pain. Next year it will be that she would be 4 and so on. Every year will be a new landmark that I am missing out on. I am better this year, but it still really hurts.
One of the ways that I have been able to move on has just been to not let myself think about it. If I don't let myself go there I am just fine. But today it seems wrong to push her out of my mind. I need to remember her today. Problem is that brings in so many painful memories. It amazed me today to feel that the pain is still so deep it almost seems to much to bear. I can literally feel my chest gasp for air as I think of her, and as I realize that... I miss her so much!!!!
This morning I sat Maron down and showed her pictures of London and it was too much for me. I pushed it aside and didn't let myself feel. The problem I felt as I looked at those pictures was the unfamiliarity of them. At the time I knew every inch of her little body and her scent, and as I held Maron in my arms I felt jipped. I know every sound, look, smell, and feature on Maron. I've had time to learn more about her. She knows me. But London was only here for a week and now here I am today and I realized I haven't seen my own daughter for 3 whole years. The memories are fading. The smell is gone, and the pictures of her in my mind are things I purposefully push out. I am forgetting. That fact alone is hard to admit.
I have been busy this year and I didn't realize this time of year had come so soon. Last week Maddy says to me, "mom, London's birthday is in 4 days!" At that moment I felt a pang of hurt fill me. That day was a hard one for me. I went to the temple with my best friend Mary that night and on the drive her 3 year old called her on the phone and yelled, "mommy I went pee-pee on the potty!!! Are you so impressed?" Jealousy filled my heart at that moment as I realized London should be in the same phase! We went through the temple and at the end we sat and looked at a beautiful picture of Christ in Heaven with His hands stretched outward showing the marks of His death. As I studied this picture with a prayer in my heart for comfort I heard the words in my mind... "He is risen. She will live again." As this happened an overwhelming feeling of comfort filled my heart. I will get my 3 year old and go through potty training. I just have to be patient and wait. But I will have her again. It is amazing to really think that way. To KNOW that I will get to have every moment I have missed with her. What a beautiful day that will be. This year didn't matter who called or remembered, but that I now understand that it is going to hurt, but I just need to be patient, for I will get this day back and the joy will be that as great as my pain.

London's headstone was put in today. How timely. It only took us 3 years to get it put in! Someone paid for it too. We don't know who, so if the person responsible is reading this all I can say is... Thank you! It helped us out so much! It turned out beautifully! It especially helped us today as we went to the grave to see her place in this world, marked where all can visit her.