1 step forward-- 2 steps back

Ironic that my last entry talked about how tired I was from waiting to get pregnant. That was 3 months ago and her I sit... still no progress. Talk about TIRED! The past 3 months actually have been the best I've had since London died. Until last week. Now... I am sad, angry, and exhausted. I'm done. Or at least I wish I could be. I wish this nightmare part of my life would be over already so I could simply get up in the morning happy again. I miss being happy. Over the summer I had come to accept that I would get a baby when the time was right. I was patient. When people would ask me how I was I would say "fine" and I would actually mean it. People would tell me they are pregnant and it actually wasn't hard for me. 3 more sisters now. Now the babies are starting to come it is hard. But I could handle it. Until last week. I was a week late, full of hope. I took a pregnancy test and there was a faint line saying YES. I was absolutely elated. My heart jumped from my chest, knowing it was finally my turn to have joy. It was my time. The next day however I began to bleed. I went and got tested and it turns out I received a false positive. I was NOT pregnant. How cruel to let my hopes get lifted only to crush them so quickly. This was so hard because 3 months ago I was tested and it turns out I am completely broken. I am not ovulating. At all. I have not talked to others about this because I feel like such a failure. My body has failed 3 babies so far and now it was not even working right to make them. I am broken. Chlomid is the doctors remedy. A fertility drug to jump-start ovulation. Stenson and I didn't feel good about it so we continued on... waiting for something to change on it's own. When I saw the positive sign on the test I thought I had been healed and I wasn't broken. I wish I could talk to someone about this but it is so hard to let others know what a horrible mama I must be if I can't even get my babies here alive much them give them a body. Meanwhile everyone around me are huge success stories when it comes to this part of being a woman. Even the unmarried ones can function properly. They can't take care of them when they get them here but they can at least do that. Then there is me who has a loving husband and caring home and I can't seem to produce results. It is humiliating being around all these successful women who are handed baby after baby and I still don't get one before they all have 2. I am so jealous I can't stand it. I hate feeling this way. It isn't positive or good for me but I have to just get it out!
Now I am working. I leave my family and work all day. Why? Because we need the money and I CAN! If I had a baby I wouldn't be able to do so. So, because I don't have a baby, I am not needed in the home and I don't get to be a mom at all any more. Now I never see the kids I have and it is killing me.
I also feel like a horrible sister and friend. I go to baby showers and leave before the presents re opened. I give them money instead of gifts because I can't even walk down the baby aisle without screaming. I can't even go to the hospital to see them, and I never want to hold their babies. I feel like I give no support and now I am a failure as a friend too. I hate getting up each day knowing that I have to go be around babies wherever I go and I am screaming inside just wanting to run away. I hate having to face such hard emotions everyday. I am really complaining now. I think I have hit a big wall. I wonder how long it will take me to climb over this one.