Due Date

June 2, 2008
Does anyone know what today should be?
Anyone else or is it only me?
It seems people just forget to them it is just another day
But for me, I just can't think of it that way
My heart aches and I can't stop the tears
I keep on wishing that you were still here
Others just don't understand why, today, I mourn
Today is a special day; the day you would have been born.

Here I have fallen on yet another empty due date. This was from my last miscarriage. A woman in my ward was due the same time and she had her baby this week. I have a sister-in-law who was due right after me as well and she will be having hers soon as well. Then there is me who 7 months after a miscarriage and I am not even pregnant yet. Not that I haven't tried. That is my other area that hurts so much today. I started my period. I was a week late and I had high hopes. Now I am just scared. For the first time in a while I really feel like giving up. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of hurting and getting let down over and over again. I'm so tired.

Thank You

There have been so many people who have helped me and supported me this year. I just wanted to make a special entry to thank those in my life.
Thank you to:
Stenson-you are amazing. Thank you for letting me cry and being the most amazing husband in the world
Mom- you have let me speak my true feelings and you have helped me see things in a better way. You have been my best friend.
Carrie- for all the cards, and calls and for sharing Adie with me.
Holley- I am deeply grateful for the friendship I have with you. You are aways there for me and I am so grateful to have you my life.
Linzi- for helping me through my last miscarriage
Jenae- for being there and not pushing me. You have stood back and let me do it my way, but I have always known you were there for me.
Eden, Megan, Holly, and Mary- You are my church buddies and you have just been my friends. Thank you for all the goodies and love you have poured upon me. I love you guys!
Jared and Jamie- for loving me! I have never doubted that from you.

Thank you everyone,
I have felt your prayers and your love for me and it has made all the difference in the world.

1 Year Mark

May 11, 2008
Today is your death day. You should only have a birthday, not a death day too. Today is also Mother's day. At first I thought how cruel life can be that it would land on the same day. Then, I figured I could get both days done at once, plus it made me realize how grateful I am to be your mother. I was selected to be given a perfect angel. I am truly blessed. London, I have thought a lot about you and the night you died. Last week I finally watched the tapes of your life. It took me a few days just to get past the part where we removed you from the life support. My heart ached too much to watch. Now that I have made it through and watched all of it, part of me is healed. I have not allowed myself to remember those hard memories. Every time they have entered my mind I have pushed them out. They just hurt too much. I watched the funeral as well and I noticed that there were a lot of wonderful things that I have forgotten. I was strong then. I have let that fade. I can be strong again and I will get there. This blogging has been pure therapy for my soul. It has been so scary to bear my soul to the world, but the thought that I could help someone else makes it all worth it.
My family came over to be with me tonight. Just as they did last year. We talked about you and they reminded me of the great blessings that came with having you in my life. You have touched so many lives and I needed to remember that. They showed me love and support and simply allowed me to talk about you. That was the first time I have done that. I love my family. I need my family. It was a nice way to get past this dreaded day and it made it a happy day for me. I was able to cry and let out my pain. I feel so much better. Now I don't feel like I am that far off from where I hoped to be at your year mark. I feel like I have let it out and now I can begin to move on and be grateful and happy for my life.
I will still continue to write, and I pray that my next posts will be of a much happier nature. The pain will never go away, but it can be eased with time, and as I have learned, with letting it out. Not suppressing it.

Happy Birthday London

May 3, 2008
I think the anticipation for this day was far worse than the actual day. I think the hardest part was feeling the loss inside of me and watching the world go on as if nothing had even happened. It was difficult going to your grave and putting flowers there for you rather than buying presents and baking a cake. I should have been watching my cute little one year old blow out your first candle and make a mess of your first cake. I should have had my family over for a party and celebrated my daughters first birthday. It was what I was missing that made the day so hard. We had a wedding to go to that day and it was a good distraction, but by the end of the day I felt sad that I hadn't taken more time think of you. I felt like the day just passed me by. Thank you to those who remembered. It meant a lot to me. So, dear baby girl, Happy Birthday! I miss you! Please know that I didn't forget. I know through the years others will forget, but I won't. I will never forget.
I love you angel.
Love,
Mommy

My Inspiration

Throughout this year I have had a constant friend. Someone who has been there for me in such simple ways, but those little ways have meant the world to me. She is my inspiration. She calls me, sends me cards, and more importantly listens to me. She knows that I am lying when I say I am "fine." She knows how to make me feel comfortable enough to cry to her and tell her how I really feel. Everyone has someone in their lives that they look up to, and want to be like. For me, it is my sister Carrie. I have never in my life seen a person who reaches out as she does. She always seems to be so in tune to when I need her and she is there. Always. Now it is my turn to be like her. I hope I can listen and know when others need me. Who knows, maybe one day I could be someone's inspiration.

sorry

I have read some blogs lately from women in my same position. It was so interesting to see the difference in how they handle things. The one woman who has little religious beliefs tends to have very bitter feelings. Whereas, the other woman who is obviously Christian and is very religious has feelings of gratitude and peace. I realized that I am very religious. I know where you are London. I know you are safe, happy, and enjoying where you are. I feel bad that I have had many bitter entries. Clearly Satan has thrived on my pain and knows where I struggle. All the more reason to be grateful for my life and this blessing I was given. I will not let him win, and I will make it through this, with my head up. Sorry to those who have read this and have not seen strength in me. It is difficult to be strong all the time, but I am trying.

Am I broken?

May 1, 2008
“Get over it.” “Move on.” “Let it go.” “You dwell on things too much.”
These are my dreaded words that a lot of people tend to say to me. It’s been a year now and I am still not “over it.” How do you ever get over it? I know the pain with lighten and it won’t hurt so much with time…. But how much time? I see what everyone means and the frustrating part is I want to but don’t know how. For me when I hear those sayings it is like saying to someone with a broken leg… “Get up and walk you are fine. Heal. Hurry up and heal. You can do it. You just have to choose to do it.” Then the person stands up on the broken leg and falls. A broken leg can’t just heal because you decide it is time. Well guess what… a broken heart can’t either. It needs time. It needs to heal too. The problem is there is no cast to put on a broken heart. Time is what it needs. I know a year is a long time…. But maybe my break is much deeper than it appears. Please everyone, let me have more time.