7 years

I can't believe it has been 7 years since you came into my life.  I have realized some things this year as more healing has come about in my heart.  I gave birth to Banyon this past year and it has helped heal my heart, but along with that I keep thinking about how I am almost done having kids and how sad I will be when I have my last baby grow up.  I LOVE the baby stages.  They are my favorite.  Then I realized something, I don't have to be sad because I still get to raise you.  I will get to be a mom to a baby all over again (and not have to go through another pregnancy to get a baby..... woot woot!)  Not all moms will have the opportunity to raise a child during the millennium.  When I think about that day, I am filled with joy! 
This year for our family time to honor you we went to lunch, a movie, and then went out to Lake Lowell.  It was a beautiful day today.  Those I love called me or texted me which always means so much to me.  The day before your birthday is always the hardest because it just brings back so many memories and rather than pushing some of those memories aside like I usually do I let those feelings in, and they are still fresh..... even after 7 years.  I know I only had you for 8 days, but losing a child is still one of the most painful things a mother can experience.  It is my greatest fear today.... that I will lose another child.  I mostly fear it because I know how much it hurts!  All year round it is easy to talk about you and think of you.  It is really just this time of year that it hurts. 
Stenson and I went to our friends house (Jorgensen's) for a dance party and it was the perfect distraction.  It was happening right at your birth time and I wasn't sitting around remembering back to the night that my life changed forever.  I was laughing and dancing and was around people I love.  I was LIVING!  The way it should be.  I still love you and long for the day I will have you in my arms again. Happy 7th Birthday beautiful girl!  Love, Mom

6 years old.... not a baby any more

Happy 6th birthday angel.  You wouldn't be little anymore.  You would be finishing kindergarten..... about to be in school all day next year.  I think about how alone your little sister Maron is at times and am sad at how different it would be for her if you were here.  Today was a good day for me.  The best birthday of yours I have had yet.  We didn't get to go to your grave to release the balloons because we live in Idaho now, but we still sent 6 balloons in heaven for you!
This past year has been a healing one for me.  I met a good friend while teaching Zumba in American Fork this year that we eventually figured out was the one who first worked on you when you were born at this time 6 years ago today.  He was the respiratory therapist that  kept you alive.  Today he has become a great friend of mine.  Cool coincidence that helps make that day not so gloomy!
I just couldn't sit around all day today so we got the kids out of school early and went to McCall on vacation for the weekend.  We are just spending time on the sandy beach and playing at the pool at the hotel.  It has been a nice distraction!  I still miss you like crazy and can't wait to have you in my arms again!  I love you angel!

My daughter's death date

It was 5 years ago today that you died in my arms.  When I think back to that specific moments when you stopped breathing, as I held your little face next to my ear so I could hear your last breath..... it reminds me of the most agonizing moment of my life.  I remember how final it felt.  Today, 5 years later I can still feel that immense pain as if it were happening all over again.... yet I have so much strength and healing in my heart as well.  Today, it is ok.  I know I have talked a lot about the pain that comes from losing a child, but today, I want everyone to know where I get my strength and how my heart was healed.  #1 -- through my Savior Jesus Christ.  I KNOW that He died for me and thanks to His great sacrifice I will get a chance to raise my daughter.  I KNOW she is in heaven watching over us and that she is a part of our lives in a very deep way, guiding us, to make good choices so we can return to her in heaven some day.  I KNOW that I will get to be with her for eternity and that there IS life after death.  I also received healing through #2-- friends and family.  I had so many sweet notes, texts, and even amazing people showing up at my door on your birthday.  We cried together and it bonded to many people in a very special way.  I have had so many comments from people saying that they were grateful for this blog because they got to see into my heart and understand death and grieving in a new way.  My husband was shocked to see how open I have been about my deepest emotions (I am not that great at sharing my feelings).  Yet this blog has been so freeing to just express everything I have felt.  The emotions are too much to hold in.  Through writing I have found peace.  So today, on London's death date.... I am really doing good!  I want everyone to know as I sit here with tears streaming down my face how good it feels to finally be able to say that!  I could not have done it by myself.  I acknowledge that I have MANY angels surrounding me daily.... here on earth and in heaven.  So my sweet London, I will say today not that I miss you, but I can't wait to see you again!  Love, Mommy

Happy Birthday 5 year old!

My dear sweet London,
Today you would be 5 years old!  I would have come in and woken you up this morning and sang to you, made you a cake, and thrown you a party.  Your birthday is always a sad day in my life but I am so grateful for you angel.  In this picture you are being held by Maddy who was 5 at the time.  You no longer would fit in your tiny little green dress, but you would be wearing Maddy's green dress now.  To think that you would be that big blows me away.  You would be starting Kindergarten this fall.  It is the "would be's" that are hard.  To look at my other kids and have all those wonderful memories just makes me feel jipped!  I KNOW I will see you again and I will get that chance, I just miss you today. This picture was taken about 30 minutes before you passed away.   Everyday I get through the pain just fine because I don't let myself really go there.  On your birthday, I let it all in, and it is still gut wrenching.  The pain physically hurts my heart.  I kind of get into a funk this time of year.  I got a sub for Zumba tonight because I just don't know if I can concentrate.  It may be just what I need today... to dance and have fun and let go, but I just feel like hiding out. We will go to your grave and release 5 balloons for you.  Look for them from heaven and know I am thinking of you today.

Fact of Life

It is amazing to see how much better I am doing now. This year especially has been so much easier for me. I had the chance to talk to a friend the other night about London and it was just matter of fact. It wasn't even difficult or emotional. Now it is just the way it is and that's ok. I didn't ever think I would get to this point. I used to look at people who would say,"it get's better", and think...."are you nuts.... this pain is never going to go away!" The pain doesn't ever go away, but it does lessen. I used to look at her pictures all the time just so I wouldn't forget. Now it is difficult to look at her because I enjoy feeling content about what happened and I don't want to be reminded of the pain. Overall.... I am doing well. My friend that I was talking to just had a sister-in-law lose her baby boy in a VERY similar way. It was the first case I had seen that was similar to London. As she described how the baby didn't cry, eat, or move because he too had a genetic disorder it was a little too close to home, but I actually felt good inside knowing there was someone else out there that maybe understood what that was like for me. My heart absolutely aches for her. Knowing what she must be going through right now, but it was still comforting to me thinking I had someone else out there that "get's it." Over these years I have talked a lot with parents who have lost children but it has been for different reasons. Either they lost a 5 year old, or the baby was stillborn, or they knew before they had the baby, or it was a premature baby. I have never met anyone who had their baby expecting a healthy one, then never hear the baby cry or get to feed it. Then taking them off the life support and watching your child die in your arms. All of the same emotions happened to this other family. So, if you ever read this.... I am here for you. I actually do understand, and I can tell you, it is going to be hard, but you can do it, and you don't have to do it alone. Here for you....

D-day #3

So I have been fine all day. Yes 3 years ago today you passed away. Today should be really hard. So, I focused on family history work and actually found a lot of work to do. I am fired up and feeling great today. Then I went to Costco and at the register the man asked me if I wanted to donate to Primary Children's Hospital. (I thought... HAHA... if you only knew how much money I have already given them!) The real reason I have been fine is because I haven't let myself GO THERE! When my mind started to think of that time it tortures my soul with pain, so I shut it out. Well, Being the idiot that I am, I decided to watch the tape from 3 years ago today. It was of me dressing you and us taking you off the ventilator. It was torture to sit and watch you dying, but it also was something I couldn't turn off. I hadn't seen that footage in years and I found myself staring at you realizing how much I have forgotten or pushed out. It was also hard because my dad was in that video. Yes, I cried my eyes out but I feel so much better knowing that THIS TIME OF YEAR is over! It is so hard. The thing that hit me while I watched that is... that is the only kind of video I have of you. From the moment you were born to the second you died, is all on tape, but I don't have any happy memories to look back on. It was all so hard and painful. The pain is all I have to remember. Except the sweet miracles that happened. Those were beautiful moments for me. So my sweet 3 year old. I miss you and cannot wait for our blissful reunion, and the chance to create happy memories together!

Happy Mother's Day

The other day my son had a Mother's Day program at school. It was fun and cute, but it reminded me of a memory I hadn't thought of for a long long time. You see mother's day always lands on "LONDON WEEK," or the week of London's life. It reminded me of his mother's day program I went to the week London died. I remember going in to his pre-school and all the other moms and teachers looked at me, obviously no longer pregnant, and asked where my baby was. Everyone asked so many questions that it made me sick to my stomach to have to answer them. So mother's day is great but it always will hold some unhappy memories for me.