Room 216

So 2 weeks ago I made some huge progress. My sister-in-law had her baby and I was next door for my ultrasound. I decided to bite the bullet and actually go to the hospital to visit. Since I got pregnant hearing about babies being born doesn't make me cry so I figured I could handle it. As I approached the hospital doors I realized this was the very hospital I had London at so I walked in and zoned out my environment trying not to remember or associate anything to her birth. It was hard but I got through it. I did it and felt that I had made HUGE progress. Well, today I think I digressed. My sister had her baby. I was super happy for her and felt no issues with going to the hospital. We went to visit her and it was the same hospital too. We walked in and I was happy was again zoning out any feelings that came my way. Until... We went to their room and needed to wait out in the hall for a bit. As soon as I was stopped I looked around and realized she was in the EXACT same room that London was born in. As soon as I realized this I couldn't get the memory of that day out of my head. We went in and saw the BEAUTIFUL healthy baby. I didn't feel jealous at all but I kept having flashes of moments in that room. When they would wheel me out to see her bc she was too frail to come see me, or when I had her and they worked on her for such a long time right by me. Then I remembered them wheeling her in to me the next morning as I laid in that bed and squeezing her little hand through the incubator before they took her away from me to another hospital and as I realized I was going home without her. Being in that room made me realize that I was standing right where I had before when my world came crashing down before me. I felt so bad as I stood there fighting back the tears without success. This is why I didn't visit hospitals. It is supposed to be a happy moment where you ooh and aah the cute baby and give your congrats.... and there I am crying remembering when it was me. I didn't get that ooh and aaahh moment. I got bad news after bad news. It was not a happy memory for me. In fact there is not a more traumatic memory for me than that night in that very room. I was fine. I think I just got blind sighted when it turned up to be her room. It just made it so hard. So Carrie.... I m so sorry. I really am happy for you and she is sooo cute. I love you. Wish I would have been stronger.
It got me thinking though.... how am I going to handle this when that is me delivering again? I am going to be a basket-case. After facing that again today I am really terrified. Grateful and excited.... but really terrified.