My daughter's death date

It was 5 years ago today that you died in my arms.  When I think back to that specific moments when you stopped breathing, as I held your little face next to my ear so I could hear your last breath..... it reminds me of the most agonizing moment of my life.  I remember how final it felt.  Today, 5 years later I can still feel that immense pain as if it were happening all over again.... yet I have so much strength and healing in my heart as well.  Today, it is ok.  I know I have talked a lot about the pain that comes from losing a child, but today, I want everyone to know where I get my strength and how my heart was healed.  #1 -- through my Savior Jesus Christ.  I KNOW that He died for me and thanks to His great sacrifice I will get a chance to raise my daughter.  I KNOW she is in heaven watching over us and that she is a part of our lives in a very deep way, guiding us, to make good choices so we can return to her in heaven some day.  I KNOW that I will get to be with her for eternity and that there IS life after death.  I also received healing through #2-- friends and family.  I had so many sweet notes, texts, and even amazing people showing up at my door on your birthday.  We cried together and it bonded to many people in a very special way.  I have had so many comments from people saying that they were grateful for this blog because they got to see into my heart and understand death and grieving in a new way.  My husband was shocked to see how open I have been about my deepest emotions (I am not that great at sharing my feelings).  Yet this blog has been so freeing to just express everything I have felt.  The emotions are too much to hold in.  Through writing I have found peace.  So today, on London's death date.... I am really doing good!  I want everyone to know as I sit here with tears streaming down my face how good it feels to finally be able to say that!  I could not have done it by myself.  I acknowledge that I have MANY angels surrounding me daily.... here on earth and in heaven.  So my sweet London, I will say today not that I miss you, but I can't wait to see you again!  Love, Mommy

Happy Birthday 5 year old!

My dear sweet London,
Today you would be 5 years old!  I would have come in and woken you up this morning and sang to you, made you a cake, and thrown you a party.  Your birthday is always a sad day in my life but I am so grateful for you angel.  In this picture you are being held by Maddy who was 5 at the time.  You no longer would fit in your tiny little green dress, but you would be wearing Maddy's green dress now.  To think that you would be that big blows me away.  You would be starting Kindergarten this fall.  It is the "would be's" that are hard.  To look at my other kids and have all those wonderful memories just makes me feel jipped!  I KNOW I will see you again and I will get that chance, I just miss you today. This picture was taken about 30 minutes before you passed away.   Everyday I get through the pain just fine because I don't let myself really go there.  On your birthday, I let it all in, and it is still gut wrenching.  The pain physically hurts my heart.  I kind of get into a funk this time of year.  I got a sub for Zumba tonight because I just don't know if I can concentrate.  It may be just what I need today... to dance and have fun and let go, but I just feel like hiding out. We will go to your grave and release 5 balloons for you.  Look for them from heaven and know I am thinking of you today.