Saturday, May 3, 2014

7 years

I can't believe it has been 7 years since you came into my life.  I have realized some things this year as more healing has come about in my heart.  I gave birth to Banyon this past year and it has helped heal my heart, but along with that I keep thinking about how I am almost done having kids and how sad I will be when I have my last baby grow up.  I LOVE the baby stages.  They are my favorite.  Then I realized something, I don't have to be sad because I still get to raise you.  I will get to be a mom to a baby all over again (and not have to go through another pregnancy to get a baby..... woot woot!)  Not all moms will have the opportunity to raise a child during the millennium.  When I think about that day, I am filled with joy! 
This year for our family time to honor you we went to lunch, a movie, and then went out to Lake Lowell.  It was a beautiful day today.  Those I love called me or texted me which always means so much to me.  The day before your birthday is always the hardest because it just brings back so many memories and rather than pushing some of those memories aside like I usually do I let those feelings in, and they are still fresh..... even after 7 years.  I know I only had you for 8 days, but losing a child is still one of the most painful things a mother can experience.  It is my greatest fear today.... that I will lose another child.  I mostly fear it because I know how much it hurts!  All year round it is easy to talk about you and think of you.  It is really just this time of year that it hurts. 
Stenson and I went to our friends house (Jorgensen's) for a dance party and it was the perfect distraction.  It was happening right at your birth time and I wasn't sitting around remembering back to the night that my life changed forever.  I was laughing and dancing and was around people I love.  I was LIVING!  The way it should be.  I still love you and long for the day I will have you in my arms again. Happy 7th Birthday beautiful girl!  Love, Mom

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