Get up and finish the race

Today would have been London's first day of nursery. It was a hard day but at least now sitting in church during sunday school it makes sense that my arms are so empty. They would be if she were still alive because she would be in nursery.
I didn't want to face the social side of church today. I wanted to continue to hide away, yet I was uplifted and nourished. The teacher talked about finishing the race and enduring to the end. As she said this I could hear my dad reciting the poem he always did, "Get up and finish the Race." As I thought about this I realized some things about my life over the past 3 years. It started out as the 400 M run. Then it turned into the mile. I can run the mile and I know I can handle that. Then it kept going and I was forced to run a 5 K. Wait! I haven't trained for this, how could I possibly finish? Now I feel as though I have been running a marathon and yet I still cannot see a finish line in sight. So how have I done? There have been a lot of up and down hills. Mostly uphill. I climb and I climb, yet I haven't paced myself. I didn't realize I would be running a marathon when I started and I began way too fast. I pace myself at times trying as I hard as I can not to give up. But I have failed many times. Emotions have made me clam up completely rendering me immovable for days at a time. I have shut down, stopped feeling and moving, and I have fought and pushed hard trying to catch a glimpse of an end in sight. As I run physically feeling a pain in my chest I look up and see a load of young mother's lap me. They run by me with ease. They already ran the race had their child and have started a new race having another before I have even begun to finish my first. I feel like this week I was just told that I still have miles to go, I'm not even close to finishing this race. So I guess I need to learn to pace myself without getting too hopeful, but having enough to get up and finish the race. I can't give up. I want it too bad. I just need to remember to pace myself.

It's my fault

I have learned something this week. I have pushed away those people that aren't as close to me anymore. It truly is my fault. I don't go to baby showers, visit hospitals, and I avoid those with babies. I also don't open up when I truly need to. I wait until it is too late to talk about it and then I feel like nobody knows what is happening in my life. What made me realize this? Another woman's blog for one but it got me thinking and I have pushed away people big time this week.
I have had the hardest week and I have not turned to anyone for help. I'm noticing that in my deep moments of despair I don't know HOW to talk about it. My week started with big time symptoms of pregnancy... sore chest, fatigue, moody, nausea, headaches. Then I found out that the clomid didn't work. I started my period. I was confused and devastated. I called Stenson at work and he came home immediately and held me for hours while I sobbed. I found out that the clomid can cause all the symptoms I was having that are so similar to pregnancy symptoms. Then the SEVERE bleeding and cramping hit. WOW I really hate clomid right now. I started my second run with the drug today. An increase in dosage too. I am really scared for next month. I thought for sure this was it. That is was finally my turn. I let myself have hope again. Every time I let myself get happy and hopeful again I am slammed back to the ground. As I sat there bawling I knew that I had a few friends that I promised to tell when I knew the results. Problem was I really thought I was going to be calling them celebrating, not mourning. I felt like I went and tried out for a big part and was rejected. I felt foolish and didn't know what to say and I knew I couldn't even get the words out without crying.... so I just haven't called them. I am truly sorry! I know I am pushing away those trying to lift me and support me. I sat there by myself waiting for Stenson to get home and I sobbingly prayed for help, for someone to care and help me get through this knowing I couldn't handle it on my own. Later that day my phone was ringing off the hook. People probably listening to the spirit calling to check on me and I never answered it. I just let it ring while I laid in bed crying. I just don't know how to say the words. I am a failure. I am still broken. I did absolutely EVERYTHING I could and it wasn't enough. I know it is God's plan and my joy will come in the morning. It just feels like it has been nighttime forever! So to those who are trying to help please forgive me for not calling. Please don't give up on me. I just need a little more time.

Who cares?

It has been interesting to watch human behavior at tragic times. I know that I have shown my true colors being in the middle of it. But watching others react to you when you are going through it is different. I have noticed that there are 3 categories that others fall into. 1- Being completely supportive. This includes phone calls, cards, letters, and listening. Most of all ASKING. Letting me talk.
2- Obviously uncomfortable and don't know what to say around me. So they avoid me. They shield me from their babies and they try to distract me and keep the topic light. These people never really help me but are still included in my social life so they deal.
3- Those who say things that hurt me. They push their babies on me because they think it will help. They say extremely insensitive comments...(Are we still talking about London. Haven't we done this a million times already?)

(You can help me with my baby Paige, because you don't have one and you are the only one who can because everyone else is pregnant)
(I didn't know you guys were trying to get pregnant? I just thought you guys were still too hung up on London and didn't want another one for a while?)
(How many kids do you have? (I say 3) But I thought one died? So you only have 2 right?) NO I HAVE 3 is what I want to scream.
Yes- People have actually said those things to me. What has been interesting is how people have slid in and out of the 3 types through the past year and a half. At first there were strong friends right by my side. I guess they have gotten sick of my whining because most of them are now those who don't ask anymore and just keep the topic light. 3 months ago I found out I wasn't ovulating and needed fertility drugs. I told myself I would talk about it to anyone who asked. Well I think people got sick of asking me when I was going to be pregnant again because in that time 2 people asked. I told another because I needed someone to talk to. My last post pretty much put it out there. Since then a few more people know. Right now I have family members and friends who have absolutely no idea how hard this has been and what I have been going through. I feel very alone. New people have stepped in and have really been there for me. Thank you to those who have let me vent. (You know who you are) Yes I still need to talk about stuff. I know I should be okay by now but it really is more about the longing for a baby than the issues of grief for London.