I have learned something this week. I have pushed away those people that aren't as close to me anymore. It truly is my fault. I don't go to baby showers, visit hospitals, and I avoid those with babies. I also don't open up when I truly need to. I wait until it is too late to talk about it and then I feel like nobody knows what is happening in my life. What made me realize this? Another woman's blog for one but it got me thinking and I have pushed away people big time this week.
I have had the hardest week and I have not turned to anyone for help. I'm noticing that in my deep moments of despair I don't know HOW to talk about it. My week started with big time symptoms of pregnancy... sore chest, fatigue, moody, nausea, headaches. Then I found out that the clomid didn't work. I started my period. I was confused and devastated. I called Stenson at work and he came home immediately and held me for hours while I sobbed. I found out that the clomid can cause all the symptoms I was having that are so similar to pregnancy symptoms. Then the SEVERE bleeding and cramping hit. WOW I really hate clomid right now. I started my second run with the drug today. An increase in dosage too. I am really scared for next month. I thought for sure this was it. That is was finally my turn. I let myself have hope again. Every time I let myself get happy and hopeful again I am slammed back to the ground. As I sat there bawling I knew that I had a few friends that I promised to tell when I knew the results. Problem was I really thought I was going to be calling them celebrating, not mourning. I felt like I went and tried out for a big part and was rejected. I felt foolish and didn't know what to say and I knew I couldn't even get the words out without crying.... so I just haven't called them. I am truly sorry! I know I am pushing away those trying to lift me and support me. I sat there by myself waiting for Stenson to get home and I sobbingly prayed for help, for someone to care and help me get through this knowing I couldn't handle it on my own. Later that day my phone was ringing off the hook. People probably listening to the spirit calling to check on me and I never answered it. I just let it ring while I laid in bed crying. I just don't know how to say the words. I am a failure. I am still broken. I did absolutely EVERYTHING I could and it wasn't enough. I know it is God's plan and my joy will come in the morning. It just feels like it has been nighttime forever! So to those who are trying to help please forgive me for not calling. Please don't give up on me. I just need a little more time.
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2 comments:
Paige, I am so sorry that it didn't work out for you. You are NOT a failure. It is NOT your fault that you can't get pregnant. You are NOT broken. Nobody and especially me thinks anything less of you. You are the strongest person I know. I think I would have given up on life by now and yet you still hold strong. You turn towards the Lord when I probably would have shut the door. You are more of an example to me than you know of. Keep smiling, even if it is a fake one just for me! I love you! I hope that you know that you can ALWAYS count on me. I don't judge you. I am just a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on!
Paige, this post brought tears to my eyes because first of all I had no idea you were on Clomid. And second of all, I had the EXACT same thing happen to me. I remember my first month of clomid. I thought "this is it, this is finally gonna happen" I was going in for u/s to see if my ovaries were ovulating, so I would find out whether or not it worked half way through the month BEFORE I even got my period. The first month the Dr looked at my u/s and said that the clomid didn't work. I think that news right there was almost just as bad as hearing that I just lost a baby. I couldn't even go back to work that day I was just sobbing and felt just like you did, like I was "broken" and I couldn't understand why Nate would want to be with a woman who couldn't give him children. I then went on clomid and metformine, which had the worst side effects, I felt nauseous all the time, no appetite, night sweats, (which your mom laughed at me for, for some reason, like I was going through menopause or something, not really funny, don't tell your mom I told you) Anyways, horrible side effects. I went through this for 6 months before I got pregnant. I felt like you, I'm doing everything right, I'm being righteous, and praying and reading scriptures, why doesn't Heavenly father want me to have a baby.
I don't want you to be discouraged by my story, but I want you to know that I know how you feel, EXACTLY to a T. I want you to know that I know how hard it is to wait each month and get rejected again and again. And I want you to know that I am so happy for you that you are on clomid, because I wouldn't have brystal without it, and as hard as it is to hear sometimes, it might take a few tries. I thought for sure it would work the first time, but obviously it took 6 ties. I hope it doesn't take that long for you. Please call me if you ever want to talk or vent about anything. I miss you so much and wish that we lived closer. I would be there in a heart beat by your side if I could. Please keep me posted on the clomid, I know what it is like to go through all that crap just to get pregnant, let alone all the symptoms you get after you are pregnant. It's really annoying. Love ya!
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