So 2 weeks ago I made some huge progress. My sister-in-law had her baby and I was next door for my ultrasound. I decided to bite the bullet and actually go to the hospital to visit. Since I got pregnant hearing about babies being born doesn't make me cry so I figured I could handle it. As I approached the hospital doors I realized this was the very hospital I had London at so I walked in and zoned out my environment trying not to remember or associate anything to her birth. It was hard but I got through it. I did it and felt that I had made HUGE progress. Well, today I think I digressed. My sister had her baby. I was super happy for her and felt no issues with going to the hospital. We went to visit her and it was the same hospital too. We walked in and I was happy was again zoning out any feelings that came my way. Until... We went to their room and needed to wait out in the hall for a bit. As soon as I was stopped I looked around and realized she was in the EXACT same room that London was born in. As soon as I realized this I couldn't get the memory of that day out of my head. We went in and saw the BEAUTIFUL healthy baby. I didn't feel jealous at all but I kept having flashes of moments in that room. When they would wheel me out to see her bc she was too frail to come see me, or when I had her and they worked on her for such a long time right by me. Then I remembered them wheeling her in to me the next morning as I laid in that bed and squeezing her little hand through the incubator before they took her away from me to another hospital and as I realized I was going home without her. Being in that room made me realize that I was standing right where I had before when my world came crashing down before me. I felt so bad as I stood there fighting back the tears without success. This is why I didn't visit hospitals. It is supposed to be a happy moment where you ooh and aah the cute baby and give your congrats.... and there I am crying remembering when it was me. I didn't get that ooh and aaahh moment. I got bad news after bad news. It was not a happy memory for me. In fact there is not a more traumatic memory for me than that night in that very room. I was fine. I think I just got blind sighted when it turned up to be her room. It just made it so hard. So Carrie.... I m so sorry. I really am happy for you and she is sooo cute. I love you. Wish I would have been stronger.
It got me thinking though.... how am I going to handle this when that is me delivering again? I am going to be a basket-case. After facing that again today I am really terrified. Grateful and excited.... but really terrified.
3 comments:
What are the odds of that happening, seriously? The exact same room??? I think you handled the situation as well as you could. There are just some memories that you can't push out. Lake Powell used to be an annual summer vacation for the Jespersons, and they haven't been since Chase's accident. It is just too much, too hard, I don't think John and Diana will ever go back. It brings back those feelings of their world crashing down. That room is where your world came crashing down, you can't erase those memories, and no one expects you to.
And you have every reason to be terrified, I would be too, that's human nature, but remember what we talked about on Saturday, where fear comes from? And remember the promises you have been given. The next time you are in a hospital giving birth, it is going to be to a healthy, perfect little baby. I know it, I KNOW everything will be okay. Love you Paige!!
Paige, I know everyone of us can't empathize with you but we can certainly sympathize. I was a basket case just thinking about it.
Next time will be as joyful as your first two. You're always in my prayers.
That was a HUGE milestone for you! You FACED the room, the sadness, the misery. Now next time it will be easier, less tears, and more joy. It won't be long before you will find JOY in hospitals again. (although they really aren't that joyful!!) WE love you and keep you in our prayers!
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