Happy 3rd birthday

Well it is 8:30-- the time you were born. This year has definitely been interesting. I haven't written on this blog all year because I have been doing so well. This year has made all the difference as far as healing goes. Maron is a HUGE factor in that healing. Now I am not the woman with empty arms. My baby void has been filled and I just eat up my baby Maron. There have been moments over the year that I have looked at Maron and watched her learn and grow and just cried and kissed her to pieces with such a grateful heart that I get to see her everyday and have those wonderful moments. But this year that is what hurts the most. I now see all I have missed. I look at Maron and that isn't where London would be today. She wouldn't be a baby anymore. She would be 3!!! She would know it was her birthday and be excited about it! This year was so much easier to handle that in the past. Problem is... I thought it wouldn't be hard at all. I thought I would handle it just fine, but I have learned something today. This is always going to hurt. Every May 3 and May 11 for the rest of my life are going to bring me pain. Next year it will be that she would be 4 and so on. Every year will be a new landmark that I am missing out on. I am better this year, but it still really hurts.
One of the ways that I have been able to move on has just been to not let myself think about it. If I don't let myself go there I am just fine. But today it seems wrong to push her out of my mind. I need to remember her today. Problem is that brings in so many painful memories. It amazed me today to feel that the pain is still so deep it almost seems to much to bear. I can literally feel my chest gasp for air as I think of her, and as I realize that... I miss her so much!!!!
This morning I sat Maron down and showed her pictures of London and it was too much for me. I pushed it aside and didn't let myself feel. The problem I felt as I looked at those pictures was the unfamiliarity of them. At the time I knew every inch of her little body and her scent, and as I held Maron in my arms I felt jipped. I know every sound, look, smell, and feature on Maron. I've had time to learn more about her. She knows me. But London was only here for a week and now here I am today and I realized I haven't seen my own daughter for 3 whole years. The memories are fading. The smell is gone, and the pictures of her in my mind are things I purposefully push out. I am forgetting. That fact alone is hard to admit.
I have been busy this year and I didn't realize this time of year had come so soon. Last week Maddy says to me, "mom, London's birthday is in 4 days!" At that moment I felt a pang of hurt fill me. That day was a hard one for me. I went to the temple with my best friend Mary that night and on the drive her 3 year old called her on the phone and yelled, "mommy I went pee-pee on the potty!!! Are you so impressed?" Jealousy filled my heart at that moment as I realized London should be in the same phase! We went through the temple and at the end we sat and looked at a beautiful picture of Christ in Heaven with His hands stretched outward showing the marks of His death. As I studied this picture with a prayer in my heart for comfort I heard the words in my mind... "He is risen. She will live again." As this happened an overwhelming feeling of comfort filled my heart. I will get my 3 year old and go through potty training. I just have to be patient and wait. But I will have her again. It is amazing to really think that way. To KNOW that I will get to have every moment I have missed with her. What a beautiful day that will be. This year didn't matter who called or remembered, but that I now understand that it is going to hurt, but I just need to be patient, for I will get this day back and the joy will be that as great as my pain.

London's headstone was put in today. How timely. It only took us 3 years to get it put in! Someone paid for it too. We don't know who, so if the person responsible is reading this all I can say is... Thank you! It helped us out so much! It turned out beautifully! It especially helped us today as we went to the grave to see her place in this world, marked where all can visit her.