D-day #3

So I have been fine all day. Yes 3 years ago today you passed away. Today should be really hard. So, I focused on family history work and actually found a lot of work to do. I am fired up and feeling great today. Then I went to Costco and at the register the man asked me if I wanted to donate to Primary Children's Hospital. (I thought... HAHA... if you only knew how much money I have already given them!) The real reason I have been fine is because I haven't let myself GO THERE! When my mind started to think of that time it tortures my soul with pain, so I shut it out. Well, Being the idiot that I am, I decided to watch the tape from 3 years ago today. It was of me dressing you and us taking you off the ventilator. It was torture to sit and watch you dying, but it also was something I couldn't turn off. I hadn't seen that footage in years and I found myself staring at you realizing how much I have forgotten or pushed out. It was also hard because my dad was in that video. Yes, I cried my eyes out but I feel so much better knowing that THIS TIME OF YEAR is over! It is so hard. The thing that hit me while I watched that is... that is the only kind of video I have of you. From the moment you were born to the second you died, is all on tape, but I don't have any happy memories to look back on. It was all so hard and painful. The pain is all I have to remember. Except the sweet miracles that happened. Those were beautiful moments for me. So my sweet 3 year old. I miss you and cannot wait for our blissful reunion, and the chance to create happy memories together!