Today would have been London's first day of nursery. It was a hard day but at least now sitting in church during sunday school it makes sense that my arms are so empty. They would be if she were still alive because she would be in nursery.
I didn't want to face the social side of church today. I wanted to continue to hide away, yet I was uplifted and nourished. The teacher talked about finishing the race and enduring to the end. As she said this I could hear my dad reciting the poem he always did, "Get up and finish the Race." As I thought about this I realized some things about my life over the past 3 years. It started out as the 400 M run. Then it turned into the mile. I can run the mile and I know I can handle that. Then it kept going and I was forced to run a 5 K. Wait! I haven't trained for this, how could I possibly finish? Now I feel as though I have been running a marathon and yet I still cannot see a finish line in sight. So how have I done? There have been a lot of up and down hills. Mostly uphill. I climb and I climb, yet I haven't paced myself. I didn't realize I would be running a marathon when I started and I began way too fast. I pace myself at times trying as I hard as I can not to give up. But I have failed many times. Emotions have made me clam up completely rendering me immovable for days at a time. I have shut down, stopped feeling and moving, and I have fought and pushed hard trying to catch a glimpse of an end in sight. As I run physically feeling a pain in my chest I look up and see a load of young mother's lap me. They run by me with ease. They already ran the race had their child and have started a new race having another before I have even begun to finish my first. I feel like this week I was just told that I still have miles to go, I'm not even close to finishing this race. So I guess I need to learn to pace myself without getting too hopeful, but having enough to get up and finish the race. I can't give up. I want it too bad. I just need to remember to pace myself.
2 comments:
Way to analyze yourself. Start pacing, drink lots of water, and look for those of us that are on the side lines CHEERING you on. Trying to give you encouragement to not give up! You CAN and WILL finish this race!
Stacy took the words right out of my mouth. I would step in and run this race for you if I could, you know I would in a second. But since I can't, I am there cheering you on EVERY step of the way. I love you Paige. You WILL cross this finish line, I know you will!
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