Tuesday, April 29, 2008
May 4, 2007
The Worst News Ever
The next morning London still had not responded and they realized there was not much they could do with the facilities they had at that particular hospital. So they were going to send her to Utah Valley. This was when it truly hit me that this was not going to just work out. I had officially lost that great birth/ hospital fun time. My worst nightmare that I had never even thought to dream of was coming true. They were taking her away from me again. Problem was.... I couldn't leave with her. I still had some recovering to do myself. Seeing her in that little incubator and saying goodbye was devastating. Once she was gone I cried buckets of tears. Not just tears but sobs, literal moans, came out of my mouth as Stenson held me tight. Then I had to focus on getting out of there as quickly as possible so I could get to her.
I cannot begin to express how much I wanted to get out of that bed and go with her. I did not want to leave her side. Yet I was still in need of medical attention. She was MY baby, and they were taking her away from me. Yet I knew the Lord had a plan for her and that he would give me the strength to recover quickly so I could be with her. So later I left the hospital, without my baby, and empty arms. I still had not even held my own daughter.
The next morning London still had not responded and they realized there was not much they could do with the facilities they had at that particular hospital. So they were going to send her to Utah Valley. This was when it truly hit me that this was not going to just work out. I had officially lost that great birth/ hospital fun time. My worst nightmare that I had never even thought to dream of was coming true. They were taking her away from me again. Problem was.... I couldn't leave with her. I still had some recovering to do myself. Seeing her in that little incubator and saying goodbye was devastating. Once she was gone I cried buckets of tears. Not just tears but sobs, literal moans, came out of my mouth as Stenson held me tight. Then I had to focus on getting out of there as quickly as possible so I could get to her.
I cannot begin to express how much I wanted to get out of that bed and go with her. I did not want to leave her side. Yet I was still in need of medical attention. She was MY baby, and they were taking her away from me. Yet I knew the Lord had a plan for her and that he would give me the strength to recover quickly so I could be with her. So later I left the hospital, without my baby, and empty arms. I still had not even held my own daughter.
May 3, 2007
Hours ago I was driving to the hospital to have a baby girl. The births of my children have been the best days of my life. So walking in to that hospital I now see how blind I was. I had no idea my life was about to change in the way that it would.
"Okay Paige, Push.... You are doing great!" said the doctor. With Stenson by my side I squeeze his hand tightly. "Okay, it's a beautiful girl", the doctor says as he lays her across me. I see her for a few seconds and then she is taken over to the bed next to me to be cleaned and checked. I am crying with joy. I look over to Stenson and I see the color drain from his face. "This is taking too long, she is really struggling to breathe." I couldn't think about that then though. I still had to deliver the placenta. Plus, the doctor kept me focused on him which clearly showed how worried he really was. Suddenly doctor after doctor rush in the room. My mom and sister waiting in the hall begin to get very worried. I keep waiting and waiting as they "work" on my daughter. I want to scream "giver her back to me, let me hold her." The reality of the situation still has not gotten through to me. Maddy had the cord around her neck and they were scared but everything turned out fine. She will be fine. They realize they need to do more work on her to find out what is wrong. She is silent. Why won't she cry ou to me? Why won't she move? Why was she struggling to breathe?
At that moment I had no idea that things were really NOT FINE.
My problem is I don't remember much about who was there and I wish I knew how it affected them. If you were there and you have any memories please email them to me so I can add it to her journal.
Good grief, Bad grief
I read a woman's blog that was in my same position. She told me that her blog was extremely theraputic. It gave her a chance to vent her anger, pour out her tears, and to recieve comfort from her readers. It also allowed her loved ones to see a glimpse into her soul. To somewhat understand what she had been going through. When you lose a child and you are the mother, you take it the hardest which in turn provides a very lonely world that you must face daily. I have kept a journal for all my kids as they have been growing. I have written funny things they have done and milestones that they have crossed. One day I will give it to them. London however, will have an empty book. So I decided to keep a journal for her in a way to help myself through this grieving process. I have been writing in it since she was born. I was reluctant to blog this and show my weaknesses to the world. So I am sorry if this hurts any of you, or makes you think less of me. I am doing this for myself. I hope, it for me, will also be "theraputic." I also hope this will help you mama's out there who have had a baby loss. If you stumble across this, let me know what your blog is and maybe yours will be helpful for me in return.
I hate pregnancy... but I want to be pregnant!
Ironic how perspective changes when tragedy strikes. I hate being pregnant. I hate everything that goes along with it. If you have ever been pregnant you know. If you haven't... then you have not experienced one of the most painful, uncomfortable, yet amazing gifts that this world has to offer. So I go for it. I get pregnant again after a miscarriage. Scared of it happening again, and scared for the unknown future that awaits. My experience being pregnant with London was a difficult ride. The first three months I was stuck in bed with a diseased gall bladder. Then the surgery for that was a scary one due to the fact that I had a 13 week old baby who was our main concern.
Ironic how I never found out what I was having with my first 2 kids. With London I felt a push to grow closer to her spirit and to officially know if she was a girl.... even though I already knew. Instict can be ironic.
The irony is painful as well. Ironic that one child I had I got all prepared for. I bought clothes and set up a nursery. I delighted in the girl section at the store. Yet everyone of those things prepared, were never used.
Ironic how I knew she was a special little girl. I even told Stenson that I felt that we really needed to get our home prepared for a special soul. She could not enter unless it was a haven, or a place that held the spirit. She did enter it. Not alive, but we got her home.
Ironic how she kicked me constantly, and then once separated from me never moved again.
Ironic how I went to the hospital 7 weeks before I was due because my water broke. Driving to the hospital that night was an extremely scary night for us. We were facing that fact that it was too soon for her to come and that we may lose her. It prepared us for what we would face in the future. Ironically, I had 2 sacks of water and it did not induce labor.
Ironic that 3 months later I would be back at the hospital watching the same process with my dad. To see the same tubes, hear the nurses say a lot of the same things, to know that his brain was hurting too, and of course the decisions that had to be made as far as life support vs. death.
The Lord works in ways that at the time you just don't understand. I still am trying to figure out the purpose of a lot of things right now. I just have to have faith that they will come... with time.
Irony can be cruel, but also bring a tender mercy from the Lord.
Ironic how I never found out what I was having with my first 2 kids. With London I felt a push to grow closer to her spirit and to officially know if she was a girl.... even though I already knew. Instict can be ironic.
The irony is painful as well. Ironic that one child I had I got all prepared for. I bought clothes and set up a nursery. I delighted in the girl section at the store. Yet everyone of those things prepared, were never used.
Ironic how I knew she was a special little girl. I even told Stenson that I felt that we really needed to get our home prepared for a special soul. She could not enter unless it was a haven, or a place that held the spirit. She did enter it. Not alive, but we got her home.
Ironic how she kicked me constantly, and then once separated from me never moved again.
Ironic how I went to the hospital 7 weeks before I was due because my water broke. Driving to the hospital that night was an extremely scary night for us. We were facing that fact that it was too soon for her to come and that we may lose her. It prepared us for what we would face in the future. Ironically, I had 2 sacks of water and it did not induce labor.
Ironic that 3 months later I would be back at the hospital watching the same process with my dad. To see the same tubes, hear the nurses say a lot of the same things, to know that his brain was hurting too, and of course the decisions that had to be made as far as life support vs. death.
The Lord works in ways that at the time you just don't understand. I still am trying to figure out the purpose of a lot of things right now. I just have to have faith that they will come... with time.
Irony can be cruel, but also bring a tender mercy from the Lord.
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