I hate pregnancy... but I want to be pregnant!

Ironic how perspective changes when tragedy strikes. I hate being pregnant. I hate everything that goes along with it. If you have ever been pregnant you know. If you haven't... then you have not experienced one of the most painful, uncomfortable, yet amazing gifts that this world has to offer. So I go for it. I get pregnant again after a miscarriage. Scared of it happening again, and scared for the unknown future that awaits. My experience being pregnant with London was a difficult ride. The first three months I was stuck in bed with a diseased gall bladder. Then the surgery for that was a scary one due to the fact that I had a 13 week old baby who was our main concern.

Ironic how I never found out what I was having with my first 2 kids. With London I felt a push to grow closer to her spirit and to officially know if she was a girl.... even though I already knew. Instict can be ironic.
The irony is painful as well. Ironic that one child I had I got all prepared for. I bought clothes and set up a nursery. I delighted in the girl section at the store. Yet everyone of those things prepared, were never used.

Ironic how I knew she was a special little girl. I even told Stenson that I felt that we really needed to get our home prepared for a special soul. She could not enter unless it was a haven, or a place that held the spirit. She did enter it. Not alive, but we got her home.

Ironic how she kicked me constantly, and then once separated from me never moved again.
Ironic how I went to the hospital 7 weeks before I was due because my water broke. Driving to the hospital that night was an extremely scary night for us. We were facing that fact that it was too soon for her to come and that we may lose her. It prepared us for what we would face in the future. Ironically, I had 2 sacks of water and it did not induce labor.

Ironic that 3 months later I would be back at the hospital watching the same process with my dad. To see the same tubes, hear the nurses say a lot of the same things, to know that his brain was hurting too, and of course the decisions that had to be made as far as life support vs. death.
The Lord works in ways that at the time you just don't understand. I still am trying to figure out the purpose of a lot of things right now. I just have to have faith that they will come... with time.
Irony can be cruel, but also bring a tender mercy from the Lord.