There have been so many people who have helped me and supported me this year. I just wanted to make a special entry to thank those in my life.
Thank you to:
Stenson-you are amazing. Thank you for letting me cry and being the most amazing husband in the world
Mom- you have let me speak my true feelings and you have helped me see things in a better way. You have been my best friend.
Carrie- for all the cards, and calls and for sharing Adie with me.
Holley- I am deeply grateful for the friendship I have with you. You are aways there for me and I am so grateful to have you my life.
Linzi- for helping me through my last miscarriage
Jenae- for being there and not pushing me. You have stood back and let me do it my way, but I have always known you were there for me.
Eden, Megan, Holly, and Mary- You are my church buddies and you have just been my friends. Thank you for all the goodies and love you have poured upon me. I love you guys!
Jared and Jamie- for loving me! I have never doubted that from you.
Thank you everyone,
I have felt your prayers and your love for me and it has made all the difference in the world.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
1 Year Mark
May 11, 2008
Today is your death day. You should only have a birthday, not a death day too. Today is also Mother's day. At first I thought how cruel life can be that it would land on the same day. Then, I figured I could get both days done at once, plus it made me realize how grateful I am to be your mother. I was selected to be given a perfect angel. I am truly blessed. London, I have thought a lot about you and the night you died. Last week I finally watched the tapes of your life. It took me a few days just to get past the part where we removed you from the life support. My heart ached too much to watch. Now that I have made it through and watched all of it, part of me is healed. I have not allowed myself to remember those hard memories. Every time they have entered my mind I have pushed them out. They just hurt too much. I watched the funeral as well and I noticed that there were a lot of wonderful things that I have forgotten. I was strong then. I have let that fade. I can be strong again and I will get there. This blogging has been pure therapy for my soul. It has been so scary to bear my soul to the world, but the thought that I could help someone else makes it all worth it.
My family came over to be with me tonight. Just as they did last year. We talked about you and they reminded me of the great blessings that came with having you in my life. You have touched so many lives and I needed to remember that. They showed me love and support and simply allowed me to talk about you. That was the first time I have done that. I love my family. I need my family. It was a nice way to get past this dreaded day and it made it a happy day for me. I was able to cry and let out my pain. I feel so much better. Now I don't feel like I am that far off from where I hoped to be at your year mark. I feel like I have let it out and now I can begin to move on and be grateful and happy for my life.
I will still continue to write, and I pray that my next posts will be of a much happier nature. The pain will never go away, but it can be eased with time, and as I have learned, with letting it out. Not suppressing it.
Happy Birthday London
May 3, 2008
I think the anticipation for this day was far worse than the actual day. I think the hardest part was feeling the loss inside of me and watching the world go on as if nothing had even happened. It was difficult going to your grave and putting flowers there for you rather than buying presents and baking a cake. I should have been watching my cute little one year old blow out your first candle and make a mess of your first cake. I should have had my family over for a party and celebrated my daughters first birthday. It was what I was missing that made the day so hard. We had a wedding to go to that day and it was a good distraction, but by the end of the day I felt sad that I hadn't taken more time think of you. I felt like the day just passed me by. Thank you to those who remembered. It meant a lot to me. So, dear baby girl, Happy Birthday! I miss you! Please know that I didn't forget. I know through the years others will forget, but I won't. I will never forget.
I love you angel.
Love,
Mommy
I think the anticipation for this day was far worse than the actual day. I think the hardest part was feeling the loss inside of me and watching the world go on as if nothing had even happened. It was difficult going to your grave and putting flowers there for you rather than buying presents and baking a cake. I should have been watching my cute little one year old blow out your first candle and make a mess of your first cake. I should have had my family over for a party and celebrated my daughters first birthday. It was what I was missing that made the day so hard. We had a wedding to go to that day and it was a good distraction, but by the end of the day I felt sad that I hadn't taken more time think of you. I felt like the day just passed me by. Thank you to those who remembered. It meant a lot to me. So, dear baby girl, Happy Birthday! I miss you! Please know that I didn't forget. I know through the years others will forget, but I won't. I will never forget.
I love you angel.
Love,
Mommy
Monday, May 12, 2008
My Inspiration
Throughout this year I have had a constant friend. Someone who has been there for me in such simple ways, but those little ways have meant the world to me. She is my inspiration. She calls me, sends me cards, and more importantly listens to me. She knows that I am lying when I say I am "fine." She knows how to make me feel comfortable enough to cry to her and tell her how I really feel. Everyone has someone in their lives that they look up to, and want to be like. For me, it is my sister Carrie. I have never in my life seen a person who reaches out as she does. She always seems to be so in tune to when I need her and she is there. Always. Now it is my turn to be like her. I hope I can listen and know when others need me. Who knows, maybe one day I could be someone's inspiration.
sorry
I have read some blogs lately from women in my same position. It was so interesting to see the difference in how they handle things. The one woman who has little religious beliefs tends to have very bitter feelings. Whereas, the other woman who is obviously Christian and is very religious has feelings of gratitude and peace. I realized that I am very religious. I know where you are London. I know you are safe, happy, and enjoying where you are. I feel bad that I have had many bitter entries. Clearly Satan has thrived on my pain and knows where I struggle. All the more reason to be grateful for my life and this blessing I was given. I will not let him win, and I will make it through this, with my head up. Sorry to those who have read this and have not seen strength in me. It is difficult to be strong all the time, but I am trying.
Am I broken?
May 1, 2008
“Get over it.” “Move on.” “Let it go.” “You dwell on things too much.”
These are my dreaded words that a lot of people tend to say to me. It’s been a year now and I am still not “over it.” How do you ever get over it? I know the pain with lighten and it won’t hurt so much with time…. But how much time? I see what everyone means and the frustrating part is I want to but don’t know how. For me when I hear those sayings it is like saying to someone with a broken leg… “Get up and walk you are fine. Heal. Hurry up and heal. You can do it. You just have to choose to do it.” Then the person stands up on the broken leg and falls. A broken leg can’t just heal because you decide it is time. Well guess what… a broken heart can’t either. It needs time. It needs to heal too. The problem is there is no cast to put on a broken heart. Time and the atonement is what it needs. I know a year is a long time…. But maybe my break is much deeper than it appears. Please everyone, let me have more time.
“Get over it.” “Move on.” “Let it go.” “You dwell on things too much.”
These are my dreaded words that a lot of people tend to say to me. It’s been a year now and I am still not “over it.” How do you ever get over it? I know the pain with lighten and it won’t hurt so much with time…. But how much time? I see what everyone means and the frustrating part is I want to but don’t know how. For me when I hear those sayings it is like saying to someone with a broken leg… “Get up and walk you are fine. Heal. Hurry up and heal. You can do it. You just have to choose to do it.” Then the person stands up on the broken leg and falls. A broken leg can’t just heal because you decide it is time. Well guess what… a broken heart can’t either. It needs time. It needs to heal too. The problem is there is no cast to put on a broken heart. Time and the atonement is what it needs. I know a year is a long time…. But maybe my break is much deeper than it appears. Please everyone, let me have more time.
My Mom
My mom is the most amazing woman in the world. She is my best friend. She has helped me so much through all of this for she, too, is going through it herself. I have struggled watching her at times seeing how strong she is. I wish I could be like that. I wish I had her faith and her strength. She said something to me tonight that meant the world to me. It helped me see that I am doing okay. I am strong and I will get through this. She said, “Paige, there is one thing you need to remember. We have each other to help each other through these hard times, but I have 7 children who call me everyday to check on me, and who are taking care of me. Plus, all of you are going through this too.” It made me see that I am strong. I have been doing this alone. I have Stenson and he has been my rock. He is doing much better than I am though. Plus she reminded me that she has seen death her whole life. She’s done this before. I never have. It helped me to not feel so down on myself. It gave me courage and made me see that I am strong and with the Lord by my side and can hand this over to him and I will be just fine. I am so grateful for my mom. She has let me talk. She has cried with me and has been my best friend. I have really needed her.
Distraction
One of the main problem I am having right now is that nobody will let me talk about you. The second they see I am starting to get emotional or if something reminds me of you they immediately try to distract me. I don't want to make THEM feel uncomfortable but it just forces me to suppress my feelings. Here I am a year later and everyone wonders why I still not doing well. Everyone always asks, "How are you?" Of course I reply, "fine." Nobody wants to hear me say, "I am hurting and I need someone to care. I am not coping well." Everyone always says how much they admire those who are strong. My dad used to always say he was "TERRIFIC", even when he wasn't and everyone loved that about my dad. He was so cheerful. So how do I stay strong and get the help that I need at the same time? I just need to talk about this. I need to get it out. Will anyone listen?
"Trying"
It is so difficult to be thinking about getting pregnant again. I can't even imagine how hard it will be to face doctors and hospitals again. The fear will never leave me. Yet here I am again, trying. Now I am wondering what is wrong. Why isn't this working. 9 months seems so far away and yet every month I have to make that even longer. I will be due in Decmeber, negative, try again. Okay I wil be due in January, negative, try again. Now it is May-- a year since London died and I am not even pregnant. I think that is what hurts so much about this. I don't even have the expectation of a baby yet. 9 months. It seems like an eternity, but what choice do I have? So, I keep trying.
Car Seat Safety
April 22, 2008
Car seat safety class sounds like a normal night right? Well I had to host it at my house and I was totally fine. Then they asked us to get all our car seats so we could check them and make sure they were safe. So I got Maddy’s and Boston’s. Then I had to dig in a closet to get London’s. I want to know if it is safe when I eventually do have another baby. I mean… IF I ever do. Then one of my good friends see the car seat and says, ”Yours is so clean, it looks brand new.” I respond with an ache in the pit of my stomach, “It has never been used.” It was not something that was meant to hurt and I know that. It just reminded me that all the women around me had babies and were worrying about the safety of their child. They talked about how the hospital checks to make sure the car seat is properly placed before you take your baby home. That just reminded me of that horrible/beautiful night where I didn’t have to worry about a car seat. The doctor told me that she would die by that night so it wouldn’t matter if we put her in a car seat. Then we ran out of the hospital with her in my arms and I held her in the front seat. No car seat. She was going to die anyway so why worry about safety. So instead of worrying about buckling her in so she wouldn’t get hurt in the car, she died in my arms in the car 10 minutes away from the hospital. It was a little ironic to be learning about preventing your baby from dying in a car when my baby already had.
Car seat safety class sounds like a normal night right? Well I had to host it at my house and I was totally fine. Then they asked us to get all our car seats so we could check them and make sure they were safe. So I got Maddy’s and Boston’s. Then I had to dig in a closet to get London’s. I want to know if it is safe when I eventually do have another baby. I mean… IF I ever do. Then one of my good friends see the car seat and says, ”Yours is so clean, it looks brand new.” I respond with an ache in the pit of my stomach, “It has never been used.” It was not something that was meant to hurt and I know that. It just reminded me that all the women around me had babies and were worrying about the safety of their child. They talked about how the hospital checks to make sure the car seat is properly placed before you take your baby home. That just reminded me of that horrible/beautiful night where I didn’t have to worry about a car seat. The doctor told me that she would die by that night so it wouldn’t matter if we put her in a car seat. Then we ran out of the hospital with her in my arms and I held her in the front seat. No car seat. She was going to die anyway so why worry about safety. So instead of worrying about buckling her in so she wouldn’t get hurt in the car, she died in my arms in the car 10 minutes away from the hospital. It was a little ironic to be learning about preventing your baby from dying in a car when my baby already had.
Breaking Point
I did it. I hit my breaking point. My heart could not possibly hurt any more than it does right at this moment. I just found out that we lost another baby. Can you lose a baby you never really had? I guess I lost the hope for that baby. We were being considered to be the adoptive family and today I found out that she chose another family. I curled up into Stenson and literally sobbed buckets of tears. All I could express was, "I can't do this! I'm so tired! I cannot bear anymore!" My heart physically hurts. Pain like this should not exist. So here I am 2 miscarriages, 1 baby death, and loss of an adoption and I am done! I can't even fathom getting out of bed at this point. It is taking everything I have just to breathe in and out. I cry to my Savior, "I have no more strength. I can do no more. Carry me the rest of the way. Take this from me." How grateful I am for the Savior so that I can turn this to him. I can give this to him and he will help me make it through to tomorrow.
I have to go to my sister's baby shower in a few days and I cannot even fathom walking down the baby isle at the store. I can't watch her get bottles, bibs, and cute little clothes, knowing that I could have gotten a baby boy the same week she would. How do I be supportive when I know I emotionally can't handle this right now? So again I pray, Please give me strength.
I have to go to my sister's baby shower in a few days and I cannot even fathom walking down the baby isle at the store. I can't watch her get bottles, bibs, and cute little clothes, knowing that I could have gotten a baby boy the same week she would. How do I be supportive when I know I emotionally can't handle this right now? So again I pray, Please give me strength.
Happy New Year
Jan 1, 2008
Today I met a family that has a little sister who is pregnant. She is thinking of us for the adoptive family. This is it! It is my chance. She is having a boy the same week my sister is. That would be so great! It was a great start to a new year. I needed to forget last year and move on. This year will be better. Joy cometh in the morning. I think it is finally time for my morning to come.
Today I met a family that has a little sister who is pregnant. She is thinking of us for the adoptive family. This is it! It is my chance. She is having a boy the same week my sister is. That would be so great! It was a great start to a new year. I needed to forget last year and move on. This year will be better. Joy cometh in the morning. I think it is finally time for my morning to come.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Sisters
I officially know now that when one of my sister-in-law's come up and say, "Paige, I need to talk to you" it means, "I am about to tell you I am pregnant." Every single one of Stenson's sisters are pregnant. At first these words stung like they pierced my heart. I woud cry in front of them or I would cry later once they were gone. Towards the last of them I just became numb. Now it is just a fact. They are having a baby. Everyone is... but you. I will already be surrounded by it so what's one more?!? There are 9 of my friends from church that are pregnant, 2 of my best friends are and one is having twins. Not only that but so far every one of them is having a girl! I hate that it hurts me so much when I should be so happy for them. I guess it isn't that I am not happy for them, I am just sad for me. It is hard to watch others get what they want immediately when I have wanted it for so long and can't seem to obtain it. It's like watching others live my dream while I sit on the side lines and just watch. I am benched from the game and I REALLY want to play. I simply feel like I am missing out.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Another disappointment
Nov. 9, 2007
I went to the doctor today. I had an ultrasound to see my new little baby. Once again there was a black whole. "We are sorry Paige, but your baby died at 6 weeks again. (I was 12 weeks along) You are going through another miscarriage." Shock hits me. This can't be happening. It was my turn to be happy. What happened to that phrase "Joy Cometh in the Morning"? It was supposed to be my time for joy. The devastation is so deep. Too deep to bear. Now I had to go home and know that my body let down another baby. It would rid of the baby on its own and I just had to let it happen. What was wrong with me? Stenson and I didn't even get the chance to tell anyone. We didn't even get time to be excited and happy about it. We debated not even telling anyone, but I knew I would need my family through this. I would need their love and support. So once again I had to try to stand back up and press on. What is really hard is we are staying at Stenson's parents house right now because they are painting our house right now. I have to go through this painful miscarriage and emotional roller-coaster in front of my in-laws.
Plus Maddy is struggling right now too. One of the little boys in her class passed away a few days ago. Death is becoming an all too natural process for her. The school sent home a note explaining that this little boy was killed when a slide fell on him in the back yard due to construction. When I read this it was almost like it hit me again. Only the pain was for someone else, Those poor parents. I hurt so deeply for them because I KNOW how much it hurts! My heart aches for the agony they will experience. I wish I could tell them that time makes it all better but I still can't say that yet. When we went to the viewing I introduced myself to them and told them I sort of knew what they were feeling. They said, "It's like being a part of this club that nobody wants to join." Alothough they seemed to be holding up much better than I did. So to all those out there who are part of "the club"... My heart goes out to you and I pray you find peace.
I went to the doctor today. I had an ultrasound to see my new little baby. Once again there was a black whole. "We are sorry Paige, but your baby died at 6 weeks again. (I was 12 weeks along) You are going through another miscarriage." Shock hits me. This can't be happening. It was my turn to be happy. What happened to that phrase "Joy Cometh in the Morning"? It was supposed to be my time for joy. The devastation is so deep. Too deep to bear. Now I had to go home and know that my body let down another baby. It would rid of the baby on its own and I just had to let it happen. What was wrong with me? Stenson and I didn't even get the chance to tell anyone. We didn't even get time to be excited and happy about it. We debated not even telling anyone, but I knew I would need my family through this. I would need their love and support. So once again I had to try to stand back up and press on. What is really hard is we are staying at Stenson's parents house right now because they are painting our house right now. I have to go through this painful miscarriage and emotional roller-coaster in front of my in-laws.
Plus Maddy is struggling right now too. One of the little boys in her class passed away a few days ago. Death is becoming an all too natural process for her. The school sent home a note explaining that this little boy was killed when a slide fell on him in the back yard due to construction. When I read this it was almost like it hit me again. Only the pain was for someone else, Those poor parents. I hurt so deeply for them because I KNOW how much it hurts! My heart aches for the agony they will experience. I wish I could tell them that time makes it all better but I still can't say that yet. When we went to the viewing I introduced myself to them and told them I sort of knew what they were feeling. They said, "It's like being a part of this club that nobody wants to join." Alothough they seemed to be holding up much better than I did. So to all those out there who are part of "the club"... My heart goes out to you and I pray you find peace.
Rainbow Baby
October 3, 2007
I finally got my day! I am pregnant again. I will finally get my rainbow baby. The rainbow after the storm.
I am filled with so many emotions. I am dreading being pregnant again. I was just pregnant! Yet I want a baby so bad I can't even stand it. I am tired of having empty arms. So I am full of joy and anticipation, and I am also full of fear, nervousness, and I really don't know if I am ready to face hospitals again. I will also have to face doctors and go through another delivery. The pain I feel when I simply remember what the pain felt like when they took you from me is too much to bear. This will force me to face those fears and get over them. The fact that the doctors told us that there is a high possibility of this happening again is hard to ignore. So I am terrified. I am also overjoyed!
Now facing all the pregnant women around me will be so much easier, because I AM ONE OF THEM!! I am so glad to no longer fell like an outsider with all my pregnant friends. Now it won't hurt as much when they talk about pregnancy. I am so grateful for this gift. I know this will help ease the pain from losing you London. Half of the reason this has been so hard is not only because you died, but because I have wanted a baby for so long. You were going to fill that void. Now you are gone, that void has returned. I know that a baby will never replace you, but it will replace the longing I have for a baby in my arms.
I finally got my day! I am pregnant again. I will finally get my rainbow baby. The rainbow after the storm.
I am filled with so many emotions. I am dreading being pregnant again. I was just pregnant! Yet I want a baby so bad I can't even stand it. I am tired of having empty arms. So I am full of joy and anticipation, and I am also full of fear, nervousness, and I really don't know if I am ready to face hospitals again. I will also have to face doctors and go through another delivery. The pain I feel when I simply remember what the pain felt like when they took you from me is too much to bear. This will force me to face those fears and get over them. The fact that the doctors told us that there is a high possibility of this happening again is hard to ignore. So I am terrified. I am also overjoyed!
Now facing all the pregnant women around me will be so much easier, because I AM ONE OF THEM!! I am so glad to no longer fell like an outsider with all my pregnant friends. Now it won't hurt as much when they talk about pregnancy. I am so grateful for this gift. I know this will help ease the pain from losing you London. Half of the reason this has been so hard is not only because you died, but because I have wanted a baby for so long. You were going to fill that void. Now you are gone, that void has returned. I know that a baby will never replace you, but it will replace the longing I have for a baby in my arms.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
August 24, 2007
Last night my dad died. What is this altered universe I have been living in? This can't really be my life. This couldn't have just happened. It is nice to not be alone in the grieving process this time. I have plenty of family who is going through this too. I won't have to do this alone. Plus, maybe they might get a glimpse into my life and what I have been going through. Maybe this is a step for me in not feeling so alone. But my heart is broken all over again. My superman dad is gone. I can't even begin to tell you how much I am going to miss him. He has been my rock. My guide. I have leaned towards him for answers and council so much since you died, London. It was utterly devastating to watch my dad die in such a similar way to your death. I don't even know where to begin how to fully feel what it is I am feeling right now. All I can say at this point is, take care of my dad London. Don't let him go too far away from us. We still need him. I still need him.
August 16, 2007
This has been a really tough week for everyone around me. My dad suffered from a stroke and has been in the hospital. When I first saw him it was the most difficult thing I have had to face since your death, London. I had to go back to that hospital and when I walked in the room there was my dad, your grandpa, my hero, my superman, lying in the bed with all the same tubes you had when you were there. I had to leave the room for a bit and just collect myself. It made me realize that since your death I haven't even allowed myself to think about those haunting memories. Every time they have entered my mind I have pushed them back and suppressed them. Now being back at the hospital it has almost been like dejavu. It has forced me to remember a lot of things I didn't ever want to remember. I have had a really hard time separating your situation from my dad's. I feel like my family is so sick of hearing about you since this isn't the same. It hurts all over again. For you and my dad. So here is my question, Is there a reason this week with my dad has been so similar to the week I had with you? Am I supposed to help others get through this since I have done it? Or is this to help others understand what I went through? I know it is separate, but I feel for me, they are connected. I'm scared. I am scared of hurting all over again, and I am scared for others to hurt the way I have. Nobody should have to hurt like this. I also feel like everyone wants to ignore the fact that I just went through this. Maybe because the end result was death and that scares them. I don't know. I feel like an outsider, like I am not part of the family. I only wish I knew how to help. I don't know what is wrong, but something is off with me and my family. London, please talk to me. Whisper in my ear what to do? I miss you London. Please help me. Love Mommy
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Thy Will Be Done
To experience the full spectrum of the most heart wrenching emotions in life and to still emerge triumphant is, in fact, a miracle. That is what I am striving to achieve. I realized that I was feeling myself pull away from the Lord because I have been so hurt by His decision to take you. Then I thought on the fact that he sent His Son to earth. I sent my daughter to Heaven. He sent Christ to horrible, evil people, who would spit upon Him and crucify Him. I sent my angel to a loving Heavenly Father that would protect her from those evils. Thinking about it in this way makes it a lot easier to give your life over to Him and say, "Thy Will Be Done."
Patience is not an easy thing to have during a crisis, but through the crisis, it may be obtained. I am trying my best to be patient for the day I will see you again. So until that day comes to me I have to have faith, that if you can't be here with me, Heaven must have needed another angel.
Patience is not an easy thing to have during a crisis, but through the crisis, it may be obtained. I am trying my best to be patient for the day I will see you again. So until that day comes to me I have to have faith, that if you can't be here with me, Heaven must have needed another angel.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Masquerade
Every Sunday amazing women get up and talk about how they have surpassed their trials. How they did it with a smile on their face and how the knowledge they have somehow makes it all okay. I see strength and wisdom in these women.
Then I look to the world and see how angry people can be when they have death knock on a loved one’s door. They curse God and ask why. They have no knowledge and search for something that will make sense of it all.
Then there is myself. I don’t fall in either category. I fall right in the middle. I know the answers to where my baby is, but it doesn’t take my pain away. I am angry that I feel this agonizing pain. I wish I could say that I have been this strong amazing woman; but I know that just isn’t so. When this first happened everyone kept saying how strong I am and how they could never bear it. What they don’t understand is that you don’t have a choice. I wasn’t given the option. So, you make do with what you are dealt and you handle it the only way you know how. Truth is –you have no idea how you will handle anything until it comes along. All I could do was keep breathing. I would cry every moment I was alone. Then, when I was around others I was fine. What happened behind closed doors was how I really dealt with it. So to hear everyone say how strong I am didn’t ring true to me. I was like jello inside posing as the iron man.
Then I look to the world and see how angry people can be when they have death knock on a loved one’s door. They curse God and ask why. They have no knowledge and search for something that will make sense of it all.
Then there is myself. I don’t fall in either category. I fall right in the middle. I know the answers to where my baby is, but it doesn’t take my pain away. I am angry that I feel this agonizing pain. I wish I could say that I have been this strong amazing woman; but I know that just isn’t so. When this first happened everyone kept saying how strong I am and how they could never bear it. What they don’t understand is that you don’t have a choice. I wasn’t given the option. So, you make do with what you are dealt and you handle it the only way you know how. Truth is –you have no idea how you will handle anything until it comes along. All I could do was keep breathing. I would cry every moment I was alone. Then, when I was around others I was fine. What happened behind closed doors was how I really dealt with it. So to hear everyone say how strong I am didn’t ring true to me. I was like jello inside posing as the iron man.
No escape
As I pursue the aisles, of the local grocery store
I see things more differently than I ever did before
"Mommy's little angel" the embroidered bibs do read
But mommy's angel is in Heaven and bibs she does not need
She does not need a bottle, a dress, or a toy
Of buying those things for her, I shall never know the joy
There are tiny jars of baby food, which she never will eat
And shiny little shoes with buckles that will never touch her feet.
As the bikes and trikes taunt me, from high up on the rack
Tears will break free from my eyes if I dare look back.
I run off to the restroom, to blow my nose and cry
I wipe my eyes and swallow hard and then let out a sigh
I must go face the paper, college and wide rule
That my little angel will never use in school
I hurry past the greeting cards that the people chose with care
And I am reminded of the holidays we shall not share
In the checkout line I bow my head and heavy is my heart
For the family right in front of me has a newborn in their cart
Shopping in the local store used to be mundane
Now every aisle's full of items that remind me of my pain.
So, quick as I can, I give the cashier the money from my purse
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain
In this new foreign universe.
I see things more differently than I ever did before
"Mommy's little angel" the embroidered bibs do read
But mommy's angel is in Heaven and bibs she does not need
She does not need a bottle, a dress, or a toy
Of buying those things for her, I shall never know the joy
There are tiny jars of baby food, which she never will eat
And shiny little shoes with buckles that will never touch her feet.
As the bikes and trikes taunt me, from high up on the rack
Tears will break free from my eyes if I dare look back.
I run off to the restroom, to blow my nose and cry
I wipe my eyes and swallow hard and then let out a sigh
I must go face the paper, college and wide rule
That my little angel will never use in school
I hurry past the greeting cards that the people chose with care
And I am reminded of the holidays we shall not share
In the checkout line I bow my head and heavy is my heart
For the family right in front of me has a newborn in their cart
Shopping in the local store used to be mundane
Now every aisle's full of items that remind me of my pain.
So, quick as I can, I give the cashier the money from my purse
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain
In this new foreign universe.
Imagine if this were you
I read a book this week and it helped me put into words some of the things I have been feeling. It also helped me realize that I have been feeling some deep emotions and taking them out on other parts of my life. These are some of the things I learned. When a woman becomes pregnant she redirects her life completely. She begins to live for that child. The foods she eats suddenly become that of nutritional value, the endless nights gagging down the giant prenatal vitamins, the moments spent over the toilet feeling sick constantly remind her why she is going though this, the books read to prepare, the doctor visits, the anticipation of feeling life move inside her all bond her to the baby from the very first months. Then begins a new phase. Feeling the baby take over her body and fighting for room and comfortability, Withdrawal from many physical activities to protect her unborn child, late nights trying to sleep while baby is active and physical, exercise becomes a health reason instead of a weight reason, watching her clothing get tighter and tighter, and finally the preparation for the physical body she will care for such as buying clothing, diapers, bottles, nursing items, and preparing the nursery for her baby. In the preparation, bonding occurs. She may even feel the baby's personality from quiet moments of activity on the baby's part.
Yet when a woman bonds and prepares for that child, but returns home from the hospital with empty arms, the result can be devastating. To have that child so close and then have it abruptly taken away might well be viewed as one of the cruelest occurances in nature. While preparing for life, no one prepares to say goodbye.
So when a baby is lost all expectations immediately have to change. This can be an extremely difficult transition to make and may take time. After all, a woman has 9 months to prepare for that child....it should not be expected for her to immediately redirect her focus. She will need time to figure out her thoughts and feelings and then move forward with her newly changed future.
To those outside of the situation. Be understanding. Listen. Don't assume they don't want to talk about it. Sometimes they need to talk and do not have anyone to ask or listen. Let them feel what they need to feel and however they deal with it, let that be okay. It may be strange to you, but it isn't you. Don't treat them differently. Little things may hurt them. It is sensitive to them and that should be respected. Of all times in your life, don't abondon them. They need support, love, and care. They may need to be selfish and take days for themselves. Be sensitive. You never know when you may need them. If the roles were reversed, How would you want to be treated?
Yet when a woman bonds and prepares for that child, but returns home from the hospital with empty arms, the result can be devastating. To have that child so close and then have it abruptly taken away might well be viewed as one of the cruelest occurances in nature. While preparing for life, no one prepares to say goodbye.
So when a baby is lost all expectations immediately have to change. This can be an extremely difficult transition to make and may take time. After all, a woman has 9 months to prepare for that child....it should not be expected for her to immediately redirect her focus. She will need time to figure out her thoughts and feelings and then move forward with her newly changed future.
To those outside of the situation. Be understanding. Listen. Don't assume they don't want to talk about it. Sometimes they need to talk and do not have anyone to ask or listen. Let them feel what they need to feel and however they deal with it, let that be okay. It may be strange to you, but it isn't you. Don't treat them differently. Little things may hurt them. It is sensitive to them and that should be respected. Of all times in your life, don't abondon them. They need support, love, and care. They may need to be selfish and take days for themselves. Be sensitive. You never know when you may need them. If the roles were reversed, How would you want to be treated?
Hold each other up
July 7, 2007
A woman in my neighborhood lost her son 2 years ago today. She brought me flowers one month after you died and it meant the world to me that she remembered and was thinking of you. So I visited her today and it was interesting to hear what she had to say. She said that last year was the 1st year and everyone was so wonderful. This yeat was like any other day. Most forgot what day it was. But not her. The world around her was zooming by and she was in her own little world of hurt and pain. She said, "It just makes it so much better to know that others still think of him. To know they haven't forgotten. To know that he is still impacting their lives. It makes his memory seem alive when others remember." I will never forget that. I pray that others will remember London too. I want them to remember how her short life touched them. If they remember that, then she can live on forever in them.
A woman in my neighborhood lost her son 2 years ago today. She brought me flowers one month after you died and it meant the world to me that she remembered and was thinking of you. So I visited her today and it was interesting to hear what she had to say. She said that last year was the 1st year and everyone was so wonderful. This yeat was like any other day. Most forgot what day it was. But not her. The world around her was zooming by and she was in her own little world of hurt and pain. She said, "It just makes it so much better to know that others still think of him. To know they haven't forgotten. To know that he is still impacting their lives. It makes his memory seem alive when others remember." I will never forget that. I pray that others will remember London too. I want them to remember how her short life touched them. If they remember that, then she can live on forever in them.
June 29, 2007
This has been a hard couple of days. I feel like I have lost touch with who I really am. I feel like others around me are frustrated that I have not snapped back. I wish I could be happy, fun Paige again, but there is something in me that now is forever changed. I know I will be happy again, but it is hard when they expect that from you while you are hurting. I wish I could just be that person again. I am still trying to learn how to deal with this. I've never done this before. I don't know how to grieve. I don't know what is okay and what is not. I hate that this is affecting how others treat me, and in turn, how I am treating others. I keep reminding myself to serve. Stop thinking about myself and get to work. That sounds a lot easier than it is.
Anxious Heart
June 26, 2007
Stenson is leaving for the man trip tomorrow and I am really having a hard time with it. The hard part is that ever since you passed on, I have been very clingy to my loved ones. It scares me to have them leave me. I am afraid that I might lose him too and it is making me stressed and anxious. I wish he could stay near me so I know he is okay. I know it is silly but it is how I feel. Maybe this break will get me past these feelings. I sure hope so.
Reading the blog "glow in the woods" helped me see that this in very normal after loss. Thank you for showing me I am not crazy for being so clingy.
Stenson is leaving for the man trip tomorrow and I am really having a hard time with it. The hard part is that ever since you passed on, I have been very clingy to my loved ones. It scares me to have them leave me. I am afraid that I might lose him too and it is making me stressed and anxious. I wish he could stay near me so I know he is okay. I know it is silly but it is how I feel. Maybe this break will get me past these feelings. I sure hope so.
Reading the blog "glow in the woods" helped me see that this in very normal after loss. Thank you for showing me I am not crazy for being so clingy.
beginning again
June 23, 2007
One thing that has been really difficult for me lately is being around others. For some reason what I think inappropriate to say to someone in my position is not what other people do. The #1 thing that almost always comes up now is…”so when do you guys think you’ll start trying again?” Can you imagine just giving birth and then having people ask you when the next one will be coming along. Any woman I know who just gave birth is NOT thinking about having another. So when people ask me that it just remind me that my arms are empty and I have to start all over again. I understand how newly weds can feel annoyed when people ask this question now. Only mine is associated with some deep pain. I guess if I truly understood how I felt on the subject it would be easier but it is so heart wrenching to even THINK about starting all over again.
One thing that has been really difficult for me lately is being around others. For some reason what I think inappropriate to say to someone in my position is not what other people do. The #1 thing that almost always comes up now is…”so when do you guys think you’ll start trying again?” Can you imagine just giving birth and then having people ask you when the next one will be coming along. Any woman I know who just gave birth is NOT thinking about having another. So when people ask me that it just remind me that my arms are empty and I have to start all over again. I understand how newly weds can feel annoyed when people ask this question now. Only mine is associated with some deep pain. I guess if I truly understood how I felt on the subject it would be easier but it is so heart wrenching to even THINK about starting all over again.
Flinstone-ing it
May 17, 2007
You know that dream where you feel like a cartoon character moving your legs as fast as possible, yet you don’t seem to be going anywhere? That is what I feel like now.
Today I have started getting back to "life" and it is harder than you would think. It is the oddest placement for me right now. Everything is not as it should be. I am trying to continue on and start living again, only I am forced to completely change my view. For 9 months I have been expecting to be a mom with a new little one around. Now I have to go on without that baby, yet I am not pregnant anymore either. It feels like the world has continued living and I am on pause. I took Maddy and Boston to school today and it was so sad to get in the car and buckle in Maddy. For the first time in a while I didn't have a large tummy in the way as I reached across her. Yet I didn't have a little car seat to buckle in either. It is strange the way certain small things seem to remind me of how much this hurts. As I look in the rear view mirror it seems to dig in my heart as I look at the empty spot between my 2 kids. It is wrong. I have 3 kids not 2. It is like I have this phantom baby. She is mine and I had her. I have 3 kids, but her presence isn’t here; only her memory.
You know that dream where you feel like a cartoon character moving your legs as fast as possible, yet you don’t seem to be going anywhere? That is what I feel like now.
Today I have started getting back to "life" and it is harder than you would think. It is the oddest placement for me right now. Everything is not as it should be. I am trying to continue on and start living again, only I am forced to completely change my view. For 9 months I have been expecting to be a mom with a new little one around. Now I have to go on without that baby, yet I am not pregnant anymore either. It feels like the world has continued living and I am on pause. I took Maddy and Boston to school today and it was so sad to get in the car and buckle in Maddy. For the first time in a while I didn't have a large tummy in the way as I reached across her. Yet I didn't have a little car seat to buckle in either. It is strange the way certain small things seem to remind me of how much this hurts. As I look in the rear view mirror it seems to dig in my heart as I look at the empty spot between my 2 kids. It is wrong. I have 3 kids not 2. It is like I have this phantom baby. She is mine and I had her. I have 3 kids, but her presence isn’t here; only her memory.
May 15, 2007
The Funeral
This was exactly what I needed. I needed to feel my loved ones wrap their arms around me and tell me they loved me. It was sad to watch the young mom's go through the line at the viewing. They seemed to handle it the hardest. By the time they got to me they were crying and couldn't stop. I was holding up great though. It was amazing to see how the spirit holds you up and makes everything okay. Everyone kept saying how strong I was. It wasn't me. It was God's love wrapped around me. I cry every moment when I am alone. When I was around others I held up okay. The funeral was beautiful and everyone who spoke and sang were inspiring. It was so difficult to cover you up knowing I wouldn't get to see you anymore. It was heartbreaking, but I did it and I am proud that I handled it the way I did.
The night before the funeral you stayed in our home. I held your little body most of the night. Stenson came and told me I should probably get to sleep and put you back in your casket. I couldn't part from you. I knew this was my last night with you where I could see you and look at you. So I put you back and broke down. So Stenson brought your little casket over and laid it on the floor by the couch where I was laying. I slept there the rest of the night, holding your tiny hand. Through this whole process that night was the hardest time for me by far.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
May 11, 2007 - Death Day
We were waiting for the doctor to send let us know on the last test. If it came out negative then they would have to call it inconclusive. In other words, they don't know which disorder you have and there is nothing more to be done. I was driving up to be with you alone when Stenson called me. He informed me that the doctor called and the test was negative. It didn't bother me that we didn't know what was wrong. It didn't matter. If it hadn't been what you had, it would have been something else. I did know that Heavenly Father was calling you home and that was what I needed to deal with. We were going to take you off life support today. Immediately I began to bawl my eyes out. I drove faster and faster to get to you sooner so I could have more time. This would be my last day with you.
We snuggled and listened to music alone for a while. I immediately broke down when I saw Stenson and the family show up. It meant it was time to let you go. I immediately broke down when I saw him come in knowing I was out of time. I am so grateful I had those 8 days to deal with the fact that you were going to pass on. By then, I knew it was God's will and I was ready to accept that. But that didn't mean that it didn't hurt more than anything on this earth.
I bathed you and dressed up up pretty so we could take a family picture. Then the doctors removed all the tubes from you. I was finally free to hold you as close as I wanted. I didn't expect you to live long. We hurried and took pictures and cried together. You kept breathing though. You were struggling and it was so painful to hear. Your color began to go. You were fading, but you kept fighting. After many tears and holding you tightly the doctors came to check your heart beat again and they said you were still doing well and we could take you home. We just wanted to take you home. So we took off with you my arms and we raced home. I remember how strange we must have looked running through the hospital with a baby in our arms as we rushed to get you home alive. As we sat in the car your dad drove very fast, and I held your face right by mine so I could hear you breathing. We called the rest of our family and asked them to be at our house when we got home. We wanted to be surrounded by family for this beautiful experience. As we were calling I looked down at you. I listened for a breath. I kept waiting and waiting. Then I realized you were gone. I can't even describe this moment. I felt my heart literally break. It was SO FINAL! I couldn't take it back. A frantic feeling came over me at first like I should DO SOMETHING to save my baby! Then I was filled with this quiet peace. I just had the sweetest baby die in my arms, but I could still feel your spirit. You were still with me. Your heart was still beating though. The doctors said the heart will beat for a while after. We got to the house and then your heart stopped beating. We walked in the door with your lifeless body in my arms. Immediately surrounding us was my family. They hugged us and mourned with us. This lifted our spirits and brought us peace. I spent some time with you alone in the nursery I had prepared for you. I'm glad I finally got to rock you in our chair and get that time there with you. It was so sad that we didn't get you home alive. However, what a blessing it was that we got you home. You lasted that whole time in the hospital just so we could get you home. This was a tender mercy sent from God. Luckily a friend in the neighborhood worked for the mortuary. She came and got you that night. This was one of the hardest moments of that whole week for me. It was so difficult to hand you over to someone else, knowing that I wasn't going to get you back this time. I am so grateful that I could hand you to someone I loved and trusted. It made that experience warm and loving, instead of cold and heartbreaking. I wrapped you in the sweet yellow blanket I made for you and gave you away to her. That night was the most spiritual experience of my life and I will never forget how grateful I am for having you in my life, London. I love you.
We snuggled and listened to music alone for a while. I immediately broke down when I saw Stenson and the family show up. It meant it was time to let you go. I immediately broke down when I saw him come in knowing I was out of time. I am so grateful I had those 8 days to deal with the fact that you were going to pass on. By then, I knew it was God's will and I was ready to accept that. But that didn't mean that it didn't hurt more than anything on this earth.
I bathed you and dressed up up pretty so we could take a family picture. Then the doctors removed all the tubes from you. I was finally free to hold you as close as I wanted. I didn't expect you to live long. We hurried and took pictures and cried together. You kept breathing though. You were struggling and it was so painful to hear. Your color began to go. You were fading, but you kept fighting. After many tears and holding you tightly the doctors came to check your heart beat again and they said you were still doing well and we could take you home. We just wanted to take you home. So we took off with you my arms and we raced home. I remember how strange we must have looked running through the hospital with a baby in our arms as we rushed to get you home alive. As we sat in the car your dad drove very fast, and I held your face right by mine so I could hear you breathing. We called the rest of our family and asked them to be at our house when we got home. We wanted to be surrounded by family for this beautiful experience. As we were calling I looked down at you. I listened for a breath. I kept waiting and waiting. Then I realized you were gone. I can't even describe this moment. I felt my heart literally break. It was SO FINAL! I couldn't take it back. A frantic feeling came over me at first like I should DO SOMETHING to save my baby! Then I was filled with this quiet peace. I just had the sweetest baby die in my arms, but I could still feel your spirit. You were still with me. Your heart was still beating though. The doctors said the heart will beat for a while after. We got to the house and then your heart stopped beating. We walked in the door with your lifeless body in my arms. Immediately surrounding us was my family. They hugged us and mourned with us. This lifted our spirits and brought us peace. I spent some time with you alone in the nursery I had prepared for you. I'm glad I finally got to rock you in our chair and get that time there with you. It was so sad that we didn't get you home alive. However, what a blessing it was that we got you home. You lasted that whole time in the hospital just so we could get you home. This was a tender mercy sent from God. Luckily a friend in the neighborhood worked for the mortuary. She came and got you that night. This was one of the hardest moments of that whole week for me. It was so difficult to hand you over to someone else, knowing that I wasn't going to get you back this time. I am so grateful that I could hand you to someone I loved and trusted. It made that experience warm and loving, instead of cold and heartbreaking. I wrapped you in the sweet yellow blanket I made for you and gave you away to her. That night was the most spiritual experience of my life and I will never forget how grateful I am for having you in my life, London. I love you.
Friday, May 2, 2008
May 9, 2007
Now we were getting to a point of making some decisions. We were still waiting for tests to try and figure out which metabolic disorder she had. Kind of hard to do when there are about 500 kinds. Stenson and his dad had started on making a casket for her. This upset me. I didn't like thinking that way. I just wanted to be positive and stick to my faith the Heavenly Father could make her okay. Deep down I knew she wasn't going to be okay, but it hurt so deep that I had to keep praying and hoping for a miracle. I had no doubt that Heavenly Father could do it. I just prayed that it would be His will to let her live.
My mom and I spent some time alone with her. Stenson was spending most of his time making the casket. This was how he needed to deal with it. I on the other hand wanted to be with her every second I could. My mom got to hold her and it is a memory I will always remember. She sang to her a song that she sings with all her grandkids. I am so grateful for the days I had with London so we could get a chance to do things with her that we never would get to do later.
My mom and I spent some time alone with her. Stenson was spending most of his time making the casket. This was how he needed to deal with it. I on the other hand wanted to be with her every second I could. My mom got to hold her and it is a memory I will always remember. She sang to her a song that she sings with all her grandkids. I am so grateful for the days I had with London so we could get a chance to do things with her that we never would get to do later.
May 8, 2007
I went up to see you with my mom and dad that day. I took long time with you and they both patiently waited in the family room for me. Then they took me out to eat and we spent that time talking about plans for the funeral if there would be one. I also spent much of that time talking to my dad about the process of our belief in Heaven. It was so nice to have him to talk to about all that. He answered so many of my questions.
May 7, 2007
I woke that morning in severe pain. My milk had come in now and it was just a constant reminder of what I was missing with you. Stenson and I wet up to SLC later that day to see you. We spent the evening there by your side. I gave you a full bath and your dad made you a BYU sign to put on your bed. He couldn't have you up in U of U territory and not make it clear that you were BYU born. His sign was adorable and it was so cute to see the way that he took care of you. The sign said, "I'm a cougarette." Your daddy sure does love you.
May 6, 2007
I went to the hospital hoping to get answers. I went and instead of answers they informed they were sending you to Primary Children's Hospital. This was total devastation for me. Now you would be an hour away instead of 10 minutes, plus they were taking you away from me AGAIN. I was playing the waiting game and I was not happy about it. It was so hard to sit and wait for days just to find out if your child would live or die.
Since you would be moved to Salt Lake the next day we called everyone to come visit while you were close. So, pretty much the whole family came to meet you. Jared, my brother, said... "Paige, she is one of the prettiest babies I have ever seen." This meant a lot coming from him because he doesn't say it often. You were the most beautiful baby I have EVER seen. That also made it so hard to let go of you. I wanted to just sit and stare at you for days. I had a hard time leaving you that night. I stayed a long time, reading you the Ensign and having scripture study together. We also listened to MoTab and pretty music for hours too. I never wanted to leave your side. There was my mom doing the same. She didn't want me to be alone either. Motherhood is only something you can understand once you are one.
Since you would be moved to Salt Lake the next day we called everyone to come visit while you were close. So, pretty much the whole family came to meet you. Jared, my brother, said... "Paige, she is one of the prettiest babies I have ever seen." This meant a lot coming from him because he doesn't say it often. You were the most beautiful baby I have EVER seen. That also made it so hard to let go of you. I wanted to just sit and stare at you for days. I had a hard time leaving you that night. I stayed a long time, reading you the Ensign and having scripture study together. We also listened to MoTab and pretty music for hours too. I never wanted to leave your side. There was my mom doing the same. She didn't want me to be alone either. Motherhood is only something you can understand once you are one.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
May 5, 2007
Stenson woke me that morning with quite a scare. The doctors had called and wanted us to come down to the hospital to discuss London with them. They said it would be best if we came as soon as possible and that there was no way of discussing this over the phone. Being a mother and hearing these words reminded me of those dreams you have where a cop shows up at your door to tell you a loved one is dead. It sent chills straight through me because there was this big part of me that couldn't get rid of the feeling that you weren't going to live. The doctor's kept telling us they were "VERY worried about you." This was their way of telling us that they didn't think you would live without actually saying it.
My dad came up that day and this moment has stood out in my mind very distinctly. I remembered hearing that he was there to see us so I went to the NICU doors to let him in. the second I saw him I ran into his arms and just hugged him tight and cried. It was like I was his little girl again and I needed his luvs to make it all better. I felt protected and comforted as he held me in his arms and kept telling me in was going to be okay. I just kept repeating to him, "Dad, I'm so glad you are here."
My dad came up that day and this moment has stood out in my mind very distinctly. I remembered hearing that he was there to see us so I went to the NICU doors to let him in. the second I saw him I ran into his arms and just hugged him tight and cried. It was like I was his little girl again and I needed his luvs to make it all better. I felt protected and comforted as he held me in his arms and kept telling me in was going to be okay. I just kept repeating to him, "Dad, I'm so glad you are here."
sleepless nightmares
My first night home from the hospital without my baby girl was heart wrenching. On my way up to bed I pass her empty room and the void feels like dark pit I'm falling into that has no end. I cry to my husband, "I just want my baby! I just want to hold and snuggle my baby!" Sleep was not something that would be easy for me. My thoughts made my mind constantly race. At that point we still didn't know what was wrong with her. Was it something I did? Maybe I didn't take care of her well enough. Did I not eat healthy enough? Did I exercise to hard there in the end? I could not stop blaming myself. I am her mother. It was my job to keep her safe and healthy. She lived in me for 9 months feeding off my every move. If it was my fault I would never forgive myself. Sleep finally finds me just in time to wake up again. Every 3 hours I have to wake myself up, hook up to a machine and pump. I bawled the whole time feeling that it was a cruel form of pain presented to me, but I had to do it. What if she woke up from her coma-like state? She would need my milk. I had to do everything I could to take care of my little girl. She may need it someday. I almost had to believe that what I was doing was my faith that she would be fine. Was this denial or faith? Faith without works is dead.... so I continued night after night to get zero sleep, cry the whole time, and give myself the hope that I needed to believe that I was taking care of her this way.
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