Masquerade

Every Sunday amazing women get up and talk about how they have surpassed their trials. How they did it with a smile on their face and how the knowledge they have somehow makes it all okay. I see strength and wisdom in these women.
Then I look to the world and see how angry people can be when they have death knock on a loved one’s door. They curse God and ask why. They have no knowledge and search for something that will make sense of it all.
Then there is myself. I don’t fall in either category. I fall right in the middle. I know the answers to where my baby is, but it doesn’t take my pain away. I am angry that I feel this agonizing pain. I wish I could say that I have been this strong amazing woman; but I know that just isn’t so. When this first happened everyone kept saying how strong I am and how they could never bear it. What they don’t understand is that you don’t have a choice. I wasn’t given the option. So, you make do with what you are dealt and you handle it the only way you know how. Truth is –you have no idea how you will handle anything until it comes along. All I could do was keep breathing. I would cry every moment I was alone. Then, when I was around others I was fine. What happened behind closed doors was how I really dealt with it. So to hear everyone say how strong I am didn’t ring true to me. I was like jello inside posing as the iron man.