August 16, 2007

This has been a really tough week for everyone around me. My dad suffered from a stroke and has been in the hospital. When I first saw him it was the most difficult thing I have had to face since your death, London. I had to go back to that hospital and when I walked in the room there was my dad, your grandpa, my hero, my superman, lying in the bed with all the same tubes you had when you were there. I had to leave the room for a bit and just collect myself. It made me realize that since your death I haven't even allowed myself to think about those haunting memories. Every time they have entered my mind I have pushed them back and suppressed them. Now being back at the hospital it has almost been like dejavu. It has forced me to remember a lot of things I didn't ever want to remember. I have had a really hard time separating your situation from my dad's. I feel like my family is so sick of hearing about you since this isn't the same. It hurts all over again. For you and my dad. So here is my question, Is there a reason this week with my dad has been so similar to the week I had with you? Am I supposed to help others get through this since I have done it? Or is this to help others understand what I went through? I know it is separate, but I feel for me, they are connected. I'm scared. I am scared of hurting all over again, and I am scared for others to hurt the way I have. Nobody should have to hurt like this. I also feel like everyone wants to ignore the fact that I just went through this. Maybe because the end result was death and that scares them. I don't know. I feel like an outsider, like I am not part of the family. I only wish I knew how to help. I don't know what is wrong, but something is off with me and my family. London, please talk to me. Whisper in my ear what to do? I miss you London. Please help me. Love Mommy