Flinstone-ing it

May 17, 2007
You know that dream where you feel like a cartoon character moving your legs as fast as possible, yet you don’t seem to be going anywhere? That is what I feel like now.
Today I have started getting back to "life" and it is harder than you would think. It is the oddest placement for me right now. Everything is not as it should be. I am trying to continue on and start living again, only I am forced to completely change my view. For 9 months I have been expecting to be a mom with a new little one around. Now I have to go on without that baby, yet I am not pregnant anymore either. It feels like the world has continued living and I am on pause. I took Maddy and Boston to school today and it was so sad to get in the car and buckle in Maddy. For the first time in a while I didn't have a large tummy in the way as I reached across her. Yet I didn't have a little car seat to buckle in either. It is strange the way certain small things seem to remind me of how much this hurts. As I look in the rear view mirror it seems to dig in my heart as I look at the empty spot between my 2 kids. It is wrong. I have 3 kids not 2. It is like I have this phantom baby. She is mine and I had her. I have 3 kids, but her presence isn’t here; only her memory.