May 11, 2007 - Death Day

We were waiting for the doctor to send let us know on the last test. If it came out negative then they would have to call it inconclusive. In other words, they don't know which disorder you have and there is nothing more to be done. I was driving up to be with you alone when Stenson called me. He informed me that the doctor called and the test was negative. It didn't bother me that we didn't know what was wrong. It didn't matter. If it hadn't been what you had, it would have been something else. I did know that Heavenly Father was calling you home and that was what I needed to deal with. We were going to take you off life support today. Immediately I began to bawl my eyes out. I drove faster and faster to get to you sooner so I could have more time. This would be my last day with you.

We snuggled and listened to music alone for a while. I immediately broke down when I saw Stenson and the family show up. It meant it was time to let you go. I immediately broke down when I saw him come in knowing I was out of time. I am so grateful I had those 8 days to deal with the fact that you were going to pass on. By then, I knew it was God's will and I was ready to accept that. But that didn't mean that it didn't hurt more than anything on this earth.

I bathed you and dressed up up pretty so we could take a family picture. Then the doctors removed all the tubes from you. I was finally free to hold you as close as I wanted. I didn't expect you to live long. We hurried and took pictures and cried together. You kept breathing though. You were struggling and it was so painful to hear. Your color began to go. You were fading, but you kept fighting. After many tears and holding you tightly the doctors came to check your heart beat again and they said you were still doing well and we could take you home. We just wanted to take you home. So we took off with you my arms and we raced home.  I remember how strange we must have looked running through the hospital with a baby in our arms as we rushed to get you home alive. As we sat in the car your dad drove very fast, and I held your face right by mine so I could hear you breathing. We called the rest of our family and asked them to be at our house when we got home. We wanted to be surrounded by family for this beautiful experience. As we were calling I looked down at you. I listened for a breath. I kept waiting and waiting. Then I realized you were gone. I can't even describe this moment. I felt my heart literally break. It was SO FINAL!  I couldn't take it back.  A frantic feeling came over me at first like I should DO SOMETHING to save my baby!  Then I was filled with this quiet peace. I just had the sweetest baby die in my arms, but I could still feel your spirit. You were still with me. Your heart was still beating though. The doctors said the heart will beat for a while after. We got to the house and then your heart stopped beating. We walked in the door with your lifeless body in my arms. Immediately surrounding us was my family. They hugged us and mourned with us. This lifted our spirits and brought us peace. I spent some time with you alone in the nursery I had prepared for you. I'm glad I finally got to rock you in our chair and get that time there with you. It was so sad that we didn't get you home alive. However, what a blessing it was that we got you home. You lasted that whole time in the hospital just so we could get you home. This was a tender mercy sent from God. Luckily a friend in the neighborhood worked for the mortuary. She came and got you that night. This was one of the hardest moments of that whole week for me. It was so difficult to hand you over to someone else, knowing that I wasn't going to get you back this time. I am so grateful that I could hand you to someone I loved and trusted. It made that experience warm and loving, instead of cold and heartbreaking. I wrapped you in the sweet yellow blanket I made for you and gave you away to her.  That night was the most spiritual experience of my life and I will never forget how grateful I am for having you in my life, London. I love you.