sleepless nightmares

My first night home from the hospital without my baby girl was heart wrenching. On my way up to bed I pass her empty room and the void feels like dark pit I'm falling into that has no end. I cry to my husband, "I just want my baby! I just want to hold and snuggle my baby!" Sleep was not something that would be easy for me. My thoughts made my mind constantly race. At that point we still didn't know what was wrong with her. Was it something I did? Maybe I didn't take care of her well enough. Did I not eat healthy enough? Did I exercise to hard there in the end? I could not stop blaming myself. I am her mother. It was my job to keep her safe and healthy. She lived in me for 9 months feeding off my every move. If it was my fault I would never forgive myself. Sleep finally finds me just in time to wake up again. Every 3 hours I have to wake myself up, hook up to a machine and pump. I bawled the whole time feeling that it was a cruel form of pain presented to me, but I had to do it. What if she woke up from her coma-like state? She would need my milk. I had to do everything I could to take care of my little girl. She may need it someday. I almost had to believe that what I was doing was my faith that she would be fine. Was this denial or faith? Faith without works is dead.... so I continued night after night to get zero sleep, cry the whole time, and give myself the hope that I needed to believe that I was taking care of her this way.