1 Year Mark

May 11, 2008
Today is your death day. You should only have a birthday, not a death day too. Today is also Mother's day. At first I thought how cruel life can be that it would land on the same day. Then, I figured I could get both days done at once, plus it made me realize how grateful I am to be your mother. I was selected to be given a perfect angel. I am truly blessed. London, I have thought a lot about you and the night you died. Last week I finally watched the tapes of your life. It took me a few days just to get past the part where we removed you from the life support. My heart ached too much to watch. Now that I have made it through and watched all of it, part of me is healed. I have not allowed myself to remember those hard memories. Every time they have entered my mind I have pushed them out. They just hurt too much. I watched the funeral as well and I noticed that there were a lot of wonderful things that I have forgotten. I was strong then. I have let that fade. I can be strong again and I will get there. This blogging has been pure therapy for my soul. It has been so scary to bear my soul to the world, but the thought that I could help someone else makes it all worth it.
My family came over to be with me tonight. Just as they did last year. We talked about you and they reminded me of the great blessings that came with having you in my life. You have touched so many lives and I needed to remember that. They showed me love and support and simply allowed me to talk about you. That was the first time I have done that. I love my family. I need my family. It was a nice way to get past this dreaded day and it made it a happy day for me. I was able to cry and let out my pain. I feel so much better. Now I don't feel like I am that far off from where I hoped to be at your year mark. I feel like I have let it out and now I can begin to move on and be grateful and happy for my life.
I will still continue to write, and I pray that my next posts will be of a much happier nature. The pain will never go away, but it can be eased with time, and as I have learned, with letting it out. Not suppressing it.